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Edit Obit

Outline: How brief is life and how quickly dismissed!
Cut bitterness,
Delete sadness,
Erase guilt, shame, blame and anger.
Put mistakes and disappointment in sidebar
marked "unecessary detail".
Keep happy childhood, sunny days, loving family,
everything that makes the journey to the grave more reasonable.
Flow the text round a picture of hope.
Research pic of hope - or leave blank.
karjon
[Sun Jan 29, 2006 11:34 pm]
Anony

I read this as the 50 worder and meant to leave a comment - it's excellent:

Quote:
Cut bitterness,
Delete sadness,
Erase guilt, shame, blame and anger.
Put mistakes and disappointment in sidebar
marked "unecessary detail".


If only...

Cheers

Karen
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NarnieB
[Sun Jan 29, 2006 11:54 pm]
Perfect.
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Firecrest
[Mon Jan 30, 2006 12:04 am]
Thought this was very good.
Cut bitterness, delete sadness,
Replace all these negative feelings and replace with positive thoughts of love and happiness.


Firecrest

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: Washing Day
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Roy
[Mon Jan 30, 2006 2:40 am]
Excellent, Anony. Cutting irony, and such an original approach to it. Especially loved your use of the word 'reasonable' - so many meanings in this context.
_________________
Roy

www.royeveritt.com
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Lupen [<18]
[Mon Jan 30, 2006 12:21 pm]
i liked it. the thought behind it was something i think alot of people think about...
_________________
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken
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Dan dee Lion
[Mon Jan 30, 2006 12:28 pm]
I like the content of this...like a set of instructions..cold and cynical..precision poetry..wonder if the piece could benefit from re-shaping..



Cut bitterness, delete sadness,
Erase guilt, shame, blame and anger.

Put mistakes and disappointment in
sidebar marked "unecessary detail".

Keep happy childhood, sunny days,
Loving family: everything that makes your
Journey to the grave more reasonable.

Flow the text round a picture of hope.
Research pic of hope - or leave blank.
Report to moderator
Anonymouse
[Mon Jan 30, 2006 6:06 pm]
Thanks for all the positive comments! And Dan - I think the layout you suggest would certainly make the poem look more stylish.
_________________
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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Robb Hinge
[Mon Jan 30, 2006 11:24 pm]
I can relate to this poem so very readily Anony! Been there and somehow managed to come through to the other side, sadder but wiser. Very tight and concise. Thanks for sharing but it brought back memories which are always in the background.


Robb
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strayshift
[Thu Feb 02, 2006 11:11 pm]
Anon - A lovely little dig at mortality. (Oh and the cat is just so hypnotic!) Suggestions? Lots of masculine rhyme - check out: assonantal rhyme, half-rhyme and near-ryhme. Ryhme is a matter of taste so feel free to tell me I'm talking crap after you have. Wink
Gordon Smile
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Anonymouse
[Fri Feb 10, 2006 10:13 pm]
Thanks, Rob and Gordon. Well, I obviously favour masculine rhyme! I'm not really up on these things, but would tend to regard "near rhymes" and "half rhymes" as not having quite succeeded. Please educate me. Very Happy
_________________
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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Anonymouse
[Fri Feb 10, 2006 10:15 pm]
Oh, and look at the cat, look deep into the eyes of the cat. Repeat after me "This is one fabulous poet! I must put her on my list of friends." You can wake up now! Twisted Evil
_________________
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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Dan dee Lion
[Sat Feb 11, 2006 10:36 am]
Gordon said:

Quote:
Ryhme is a matter of taste


Here are the opinions of george Szirtes, Hungarian poet and translator on rhyme:

Quote:
The first rhymes we hear are in the cot or at our mother’s knee. They are a mixture of the lulling and the playful. The lulling approximates to the predictable heartbeat, the playful to the leap of surprise. These are the earliest physical maps of poetry: the even road, the running stream, the tumbling of pebbles through the blood. Reassurance, progress, delight.

Rhyme can be delight in much the same way as any delicious accident can. How strange that “particle” should rhyme with “article”; how outrageous that “intellectual” should rhyme with “hen pecked you all” (both examples from Byron’s “Don Juan”). The delight of finding unlikely couplings reminds us of the delight of fitting any one thing to any other in childhood, or of the simple pleasures of playing Snap. The pleasure resides in the odds being stacked against the desired coincidence. The first such against-the-odds coincidence might be the matching of a word to its referent. Make that sound, says mother, and you will get the object. So the strange sound meets the desired object much like the surrealist sewing machine meets the umbrella on the operating table.

Somewhere at the heart of language is an initial dislocation that is stitched up (I use the term advisedly) by an apparently arbitrary suture that makes for laughter and disquiet, the laughter of relief that things are not doomed to be dislocated, the laughter of surprise that the dislocation is healed in such remarkable fashion, the laughter of triumph that healing has been achieved, and the laughter of irony that such healing is a clever, disquieting, but hardly permanent device.

Rhyme and pattern as play are part of the spontaneous overflow of pleasure at the sheer existence of anything. They are aspects of the comedy of the human situation. Discovering a pattern or a coincidence can be the beginnings of religious vision or, once revealed to be artificial, simply the occasion of laughter.

The Victorians loved language games: acrostics, double sonnets, puns, nonsense verse, parody, shaped poems, echoes, puzzles. They worked so hard at it that some of their productions seem rather labored now. We prefer our laughter less dutiful. We are more aware of the spaciness, airiness, weightlessness of existence than they were, but patterns still beguile us. Cole Porter and Irving Berlin may be too sophisticated, but a decent hip-hop lyric still aims at some pretty tall rhymes. What is cool but significant lightness?


Rhyme can be unexpected salvation, the paper nurse that somehow, against all the odds, helps us stick the world together while all the time drawing attention to its own fabricated nature. Knowing that rhyme might become part of the field of poetic expectation, we strive to make its arrival as unexpected and therefore as angelic as possible, and, in so doing, we discover more than we knew. Rhyme can be an aid to invention rather than a bar to it. It is an aid because it forces us into corners where we have to act and take the best available course out. In the process of seeking it, we bump up against possibilities we would not have chosen were we in control of the process.

Another analogy: the dance. Imagine a formal dance. Your partner is language. You are not the leading partner in this dance, in which there is no clear leader—if there were, it would be language—but you have to respond to each other’s movements with as much grace as you can muster. You may have chosen to perform a waltz, a fox-trot, a tango, or any other set dance. There are certain determined moves here, and the clumsy dancer will have all his or her time cut out just trying to follow them according to those black and white feet depicted in the diagrams. The pattern must be kept in mind but may be varied, and still leaves room to invent, out of necessity, that whole vocabulary of complementary gestures and moves that soon stop being complementary and become essence, so that the black and white foot diagrams are simply the condition that brings the essence about. That essence may well be art. That invention is the requirement of pattern.

So why do we insist on believing that our solemn faces and grand intentions are all that matter? That the arbitrary gaiety of language has nothing useful to offer us?


Hope this has been some use.

I, personally, like rhymes (and half-rhymes in particular)in the poetry I read. I think a carefully crafted rythm can give a poem a certain backbone - something for the guts and intestines of the piece to cling to.

As with all art, poetry follows fads and fashions. I feel that free-form poetry may have ran it's course to some extent. Perhaps more poets will now concentrate on meter and form...who knows, perhaps I'm telking crap.

Regards,

Dan.
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strayshift
[Sat Feb 11, 2006 10:43 am]
"This is one fabulous poet! I must put her on my list of friends."
Huh What was I doing...
Cant argue with anything Dan has said - I still write sonnets, villanelle, terza-Rima et all and I do use masculine rhyme - like I said its a question of taste anon, good freind that you are Wink
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PenJen
[Sat Feb 11, 2006 2:59 pm]
Economy of words, big meaning - like a slap of reality on a yellow post it. Tight piece that hits heavy. Excellent piece, Anony.

Jen
x
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Anonymouse
[Sat Feb 11, 2006 6:15 pm]
Dan - Thanks for posting up the Szirtes. I did enjoy reading his ideas on the value of rhyme. I actually prefer writing to a set form, with defined rhythm and rhyme (free verse is a bit experimental for me). However, sometimes I have found that it can trivialise the subject matter if I am not careful - particularly if the rhymes look contrived; although this is never a problem with writing a sonnet, which seems to carry its own seriousness, woven into its structure.
I liked the idea of the Victorians' playfulness and inventiveness, though question whether that is at odds with the spontaneity and sincerity that one associates with poetry written from the heart. (Of course, the more academic approach has also produced the epic works of Alexander Pope!)
Actually, some languages, too, lend themselves more to rhyme than others, for example Polish, which, because of the highly inflective grammatical boundaries, ensures that a great many nouns share the same endings - a gift for the rhymer!
To rhyme or not to rhyme? You have to work a bit harder at it, but it is fun!

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: Love Is...
_________________
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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