28th November 2005
There's a Hole in my Tummy!
Non-Fiction Author: Firecat
Created: 28 November 2004




When I was a baby, we had an Au Pair. one day she came to my Mum and told her she had a hole in her tum. "A hole in your tum! That's terrible!" "Look", she said, and held out her thumb.
When I was little, I was proud of my small tummy. It emphasised my hips. When my Mum took me clothes shopping and they measured my waist, my Mum would be so embarrassed! "Stop holding your tummy in! Breath out!" she would say in her raised voice! I pushed my tummy out as far as I could and she was happier - though waist bands were very loose!
Every time I saw a pregnant woman as a teenager I got an inexplicable urge to punch her in the stomach. I never did, of course, but as someone who never hits anyone it disturbed me hugely and it was many years of hard work on myself before I found out why!
As a young adult my tummy was still flat. I was short on money. When I ran a bath, I had an agreement with myself that I would turn off the taps when my tummy was covered. My hip bones stuck like shark fins out of the water.
I was born with a hole in my tummy. I have been aware of it for as long as I have been aware of my Self. It didn't bother me too much at first, I wasn't obviously different. It was no more important than, say, some of us had tummy buttons that go in and, especially as children, some had ones that stuck out.
If things are not right at puberty, things really stick out!
By my late 20s, I was really depressed. this is the time when women without babies really start noticing the ticking clock.
I can never carry a baby. I was born without a womb. A wombman without a womb is a man! That was when I went into counselling three times a week. I have a hole in my tummy.
In my thirties I turned to comfort food. It filled up the hole. I had always had a high metabolism, that took a long time to change. Continued abuse eventually overcame that.
Turning a barren forty really opened my mouth. I saw my third long-term therapist, she was so empathic we both hurt, I even wondered if I loved her, it was so intense. I still do love her, and always will, platonically. It was she who pointed out what for her was so obvious, that I wanted to punch those pregnant ladies because I could never bear a child myself!
Now, I am so fat, that I really do look pregnant!




REVIEW:Non-Fiction: A3338877 - There's a Hole in my Tummy! Nov 28, 2004