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Poetry Showcase [Psychological] Moderators for this section: Weaver, ochsterboxter, CadenzRime, Lingua Pura, ososment, carolynrn, Inker

Peeling The Onion

Outline: Continuing my zest for GW cut-and-paste.
Why: I would like to know what people think...
Review: Honest
20th November 2005
Peeling the Onion.
Poetry Author: Firecat
Created: 20 November 2004



My soul is like an onion.
When I bare it to you,
We must peel away the layers
One by one.

The outer layers are thin, dry and crisp
Colourful as autumn leaves
Yet lacking substance.
My soul is most beautiful when seen from outside.

To understand my soul we must dig deeper.
There is a risk involved.
Once peeled it can never be put back.

The inner layers are moister, wetter.
The juice gets under your nails and won't scrub out.
My smell will stick with you for days,
You cannot mask it.

And yes, there will be tears, yours as well as mine.
Each layer is stronger than the last, more vital!
If you do not want to cry with me -
Get out of the kitchen now!

Thankyou for staying with me.
The soup is quite delicious!



REVIEW:Poetry: A3304676 - peeling the Onion. Nov 20, 2004
MummyPenguin
[Sun Nov 20, 2005 9:36 pm]
Hi FC
Enjoyed this one too but may I confess to being a bit let down by the ending
Quote:
If you do not want to cry with me -
Get out of the kitchen now!

Thankyou for staying with me.
The soup is quite delicious!

It just seemed like a little jokey afterthought added in to lighten the mood of what had been quite an intense piece. I think I'd have preferred it without the final two lines.
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Firecat
[Sun Nov 20, 2005 11:49 pm]
MP, that's me all over, finding it hard to take myself too seriously and worried about upsetting people ~ so lightening it up at the end: "I'm bleeding profusely, but,hey! I'll live?" (and then feeling upset if people just laugh and miss the deep hurt!)
Maybe I shouldn't be offering soup... Shocked
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Fancyjean
[Fri Nov 25, 2005 11:53 pm]
The world's a great big onion, that's what the start reminds me of, 1960's song, then I thought we were going to go to your soul core ? Still and all, all right.
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Firecat
[Sat Nov 26, 2005 12:02 am]
Thanks, FJ!
FC.
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PenJen
[Sat Nov 26, 2005 6:40 am]
OK, have to be honest. Liked the idea, was not fussed on the poem. Why? Because it seemed too vague and agree with MP, the last two lines further let it down.

I really liked the idea of this - person/soul as an onion - but reckon it could well be tightened up and thinned out. Seemed a lot said in words that covered what could have been a very interesting work, but smothers it with too much show and not enough mystery. Leaves nothing for the reader to sink into. Was too obvious.

Also couldn't picture an 'onion' looking like 'Autumn leaves' - yes had a golden-brown outer skin and wouldn't describe as 'crisp' as the skin usually flakes off.

Sorry, this didn't work for me.

Jen Cheer up
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Firecat
[Sat Nov 26, 2005 6:19 pm]
No need for apology, Jen! Thanks for reading and critiquing it! Smile
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Tallteller
[Sat Nov 26, 2005 8:21 pm]
If you can't stand the tears get out of the kitchen, makes more sense than the heat. Loved the idea of your soul being like an oinion and peeling away its layers at your peril. It's an idea however, that did not go where it could have gone. I've nothing against oinion soup as long as it doesn't land me in it, the soup that is. You allude to many such platitudes in a most clever way and I appreciate that. This poem has a greater potential though and I think you should give it further thought.
_________________
Tales from Tallteller
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Firecat
[Sat Nov 26, 2005 10:39 pm]
Thanks, TT, I like your idea of "can't stand the tears" and might like to use that; after all, it's a year since I scribbled this off...
It actually comes from my therapy, where I had to strip off a layer at a time, and felt quite raw. Confused
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strayshift
[Sat Dec 10, 2005 8:37 pm]
Liked this firecat - a lovely conceit deliver almost holding the readers hand.
A great little read
Gordon
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Firecat
[Tue Dec 13, 2005 10:58 am]
Thank you Gordon! Hug
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