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Poetry Showcase [Other] Moderators for this section: Weaver, ochsterboxter, CadenzRime, Lingua Pura, ososment, carolynrn, Inker

Sea View

Outline: This ship has sailed before but is getting an overhaul before mooring for winter.
With rheumy eyes she stares across the mud
Where boats tipped sideways wait for the new tide
To sweep across the estuary in a rush
And raise them up again.

Her ships are all aground that used to sail
And memories too now gently ebb away.
So thought by thought and hour by slipping hour
Each day is bringing less.

The window by her chair is now her world
And all life’s loves and pleasures fading fast.
A cup of tea is what she chiefly likes
With just one sugar, please.

The sky and water merge in a grey haze
As memories and dreams flow into sleep
She drops her gaze and now her hand falls limp
And so she slips away.
Sammy-Sparkle
[Sun Sep 25, 2005 10:05 pm]
This is a wonderful poem about the pain of growing old alone, Anonymouse. The poor old woman sitting by her window, dreaming of days gone by, the life she has lived, but now it's all just water under the bridge. A truly great piece.
Cool Cool Cool Cool Cool
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Robb Hinge
[Sun Sep 25, 2005 11:25 pm]
Oh Anony what a sad poem. Made worse by the fact that it happens all too often. Sometimes whilst surrounded by hustle and bustle all around but too busy to see the loneliness.

Robb
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Naegling
[Mon Sep 26, 2005 12:56 pm]
I thought this a good rhythmic poem which invited me to read it aloud. So I did.

For me, the rhythm worked best in the final stanza, sign-posting the way, with respect, to turn this from a good poem, into a great one.

Please don't think me rude, but I think it demonstrated more potential than polish. If you read, or sing, it aloud, then you should be able to modify the phrasing to make it more natural, rhythmic and lyrical. Once that works you can add the punchy breaks to make your points with rhythmic juxtaposition.

N
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Loobyloo
[Mon Sep 26, 2005 4:29 pm]
I remember this one anony - I liked it then too.
It's a poem to read slowly and feel the mood. You have captured well that time that comes to us all. The sun sinks for the last time. Sad yet strangly peaceful.
Very good.

looby
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If you run around in circles, you know where you will end up.
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Anonymouse
[Fri Sep 30, 2005 2:55 pm]
Thanks for reading and commenting - all compliments - and criticism of course - very gratefully received!
You are right, Naegling, that a poem should be read aloud to appreciate the subtle rhythm of the words. I find mine seem to flow best in iambic pentameters that follow the natural rhythm of speech. I had thought that I had achieved a consistency throughout all the verses, but will keep reading it and see if it can be polished.
Thanks Looby, Rob and Sammy, for your kind comments. This poem was not really meant to be too sad. People's horizons do narrow with age and memories fade away. The secret is to keep looking out of the window!!
_________________
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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Lingua Pura
[Mon Oct 17, 2005 11:26 pm]
Anony

I thought I would come visit, outside the 60 worder.

I was moved by this - because it is true and so beautifully expressed.

There is something about growing old - watching the world go by and living off memories, which tend to fade as time marches on.

My granny used to love sitting in the car, when I was little and we were off swimming at the seaside - but it had to be parked so she could see the sea and watch the people going by.

She also loved to read the local papers with her magnifying glass - usually the obituaries.

She was a great lady - died when she was in her mid-eighties and had survived two world wars as well as the Easter Rising in Dublin.

I love this!

Thank you

Stephen
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Anonymouse
[Tue Oct 18, 2005 12:58 pm]
Thanks for coming to visit, Stephen. I was trying to portray the gentler side of aging and I'm glad it came across. I pass a lot of Old Folkeries on my way to work, mostly overlooking the Thames Estuary, and seemed like a nice way to spend those last months!

Cheers,


Eileen
_________________
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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battyboo
[Sun Oct 30, 2005 10:25 pm]
hey..

this is a lovely piece about being old..
where life has set itself in a routine never altering...
where gradually life ebs away like the tide...
and is so noiseless that one hardly realizes when life slips away

i like the fact that, even though there is death
one is not made acutely aware of the loneliness an old woman must face in that stage of life...
it is a subtly underlying current, and itz upto our innerselves to pick up on that..

lovely..

bee
_________________
*life isnt as bad we'd like to think...take of your darkglasses, and try a shade of tinted pink...itz so much prettier..

..not quite jaded, but customized illusion fairly intouch with reality Smile*
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