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Logicus tracticus · [Sun Jul 17, 2005 8:28 pm]

Liked this one annon though felt is pulle me short in a couple of places.taking out a couple of the ands makes all the difference

Each day she lights a candle in the church
And pounds out Pater Nosters on the pew
To dash the crumbling martyrs from their perch
And lease herself one heavenly room with view.

Preoccupied now with the afterlife
And giving not a thought to her todays,
Resentful mother, cold uncaring wife,
Wasting her soul in callous, empty ways.

The fear is now upon her as she crawls
Scrabbles{ing} with her beads to make amends.
No benediction when the evening falls,
No hope, no ray of light.No saintly friends.

Stone statues, crucifix and empty prayers
Are all she has for no one really cares.
_________________
read once for meter, twice for rhythm
thrice for rhyme, then again for
leisure or measure of pleasure;
you: parasites of no consequence:
Larkin

silva_danca · [Sun Jul 17, 2005 11:28 pm]

i like the last 2 lines of this one. I also like the story you paint. a bit sad though...personally i would prefer if the narrator liked her more! Give her more fire! oh well. to hell she goes....couldnt she like the idea of hell??
now it's too late for me to attept reviewing..
hannahx

Indie · [Mon Jul 18, 2005 1:40 pm]

nony,

you capture the harsh soulless woman very well: aka mrs.danvers. a very unforgiving poem.

To dash the crumbling martyrs from their perch
And lease herself one heavenly room with view.

outstanding, the above two lines. you've captured her desperate need so well.

well done!
_________________
Indie

Anonymouse · [Mon Jul 18, 2005 9:52 pm]

Thanks, Logicus, for your suggestion. I think it sounds better substituting "for" for "and" in the last line and will do this.
However leaving out the "and" before "scrabbles" upsets the rhythm of the line.

Silva-dancer - I cannot like this woman!! But glad you liked the poem.

Thanks, also, Indie, for your comments. Yes, "soulless" she is, as you say with very apt irony!!

Thanks - Anony Smile

_________________
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS

Andmymare · [Tue Jul 19, 2005 1:00 am]

Anony,
Logi's rendering carried the rhythmn for me also, but if you do not concur it still is an affecting portrait; I find myself seeing two failures here; the woman's got everything wrong and so does seem Danversesque; really perverse; but my mind flitted for a moment to wonder how she got that way, and then that's where the failure of the icons, the rosary, the Pater Noster's came, that empty ritual is so often taken for an inner deed, an so grows stonier than stone...leads nowhere....I guess I like this as a striking portrait of a sorry subject...certainly wouldn't want her little visage on a cameo broach now would we Rolling Eyes

Regards,
Andmymare

Mmagic · [Wed Aug 03, 2005 2:41 pm]

This is proof that you can write superbly constructed poems within a rigid rhyme and rhythm structure. (Against some criticism I saw on your 'Ant' poem)

You keep a steady voice throughout, displaying a control which is a joy to read - and, while I found it difficult to empathise with your subject matter, I agree with what I think the opinion you are expressing.

What right do others have to judge? Religion, eh? More trouble than it's worth.

Thanks for sharing, Anony.

Andrew

Anonymouse · [Wed Aug 03, 2005 5:48 pm]

Thanks for that, Andrew. I am more at home writing to set forms, in fact, and don't branch into free verse too often.
I probably come across as judgmental in this, but I find some kinds of religious observances self-centred and therefore arid.
I always appreciate your comments, Andrew - they cheer me up no end!!
_________________
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS

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