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Poetry Showcase [Metaphysical] Moderators for this section: Weaver, ochsterboxter, CadenzRime, Lingua Pura, ososment, carolynrn, Inker

The Swift

The Swift

The first swift of Summer flies
in English skies, his true, real home.

His second nest is African
where vultures soar and cheetahs roam.

He brings a sense of new beginning -
a blue sky filled with dance and singing.

How I love our Summer sky -
memories of storms gone by
are eclipsed in the glory
of a brand new story
that will be told this year;
the promise in a gentle cloud
and a feeling of being proud
to have been born in this brave land,
England.
BrianRobertNeal
[Tue May 12, 2009 6:02 pm] Watto Ron
A very uplifting poem.

"his true real home"

I stumbled over this.

Perhaps it could be tidied?

Brian

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Ron
[Tue May 12, 2009 7:18 pm]
Cheers buddy,

Was trying to convey a metaphor in that line highlighting African corrupt politics, having been there, but thanks for telling me you stumbled because in that case I may have to find another way of saying it. It was today's flash from the group that I was pleased with - like you, it gave me a bit of a lift.

Thanks mate.

Cheers
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scarletdancer
[Sat May 16, 2009 5:43 am]
Hi Ron, I like how you used the prompt. I could feel the pride you have for your home land, so thanks for sharing this flash on the main board to be commented on. Well done. cheers, scarlet Smile
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ochsterboxter
[Sat May 16, 2009 8:51 am]
Hello Ron,

I think this is great - you've done something very strange here with your words but yiv stirred ma wee heart into a patriotic clamour.
I'm sitting here feeling proud tae be English (and me a wee Jock tae)
How did this happen?!
Where's ma Saltire?!

I really like it.
If I were you I'd give it a wee tidy-up, clip some of your the's and ands.

For example....

The first swift of summer flies
in English skies,
his true real home.

And there was a wee bit here...

are eclipsed in the glory
of the new story
that will be told this year

...that clunked for me a wee bit.

I would have a look at the timing of what you are saying at the end, tighten up the wording and pace the energy of it to give it its full emphasis, perhaps...

to have been born in this brave land.
Our England.


Just an example Ron, but you get what I mean - put it this way, if it got me all a flutter, tears in my eyes and hand clasped ower ma chest, then you know you're on to a winner.

Thanks for the read, lovely Englishman. I enjoyed it.

Amy x

Rose
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Ron
[Sat May 16, 2009 11:35 am]
Scarlet,

Yeah, I did a lot of travelling years ago and tinkered with the notion of settling in a few of those 'exotic' lands. But after being there awhile, something about England always drew me back in the end. I found there was no other place than this for me.

Thanks for dropping by. Cool

Cheers Very Happy x

...........

Amy,

Ach, ma wee bonnie lass, I deem ye tae be an honorary English Rose. Rose x

Your tips were the biz, girl, and have tightened it up. Yey, good to hear from you again. Cool

Cheers
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". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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Carson
[Mon May 18, 2009 2:38 pm]
Hey Ron,

Just read and thought I'd leave a note of appreciation. Enjoyed this, as Brian says, very uplifting. I didn't pick up on the metaphor 'til I read your comments on it, but very apt indeed, and a great way of conveying it through nature.

As for "his true real home". It needs a comma after true, in the interests of correct spelling, punctuation and grammar. Sorry about that, but it's the main problem I had with it.

Very patriotic in that final stanza too, which is always nice to see. That sort of thing is very appealing to an Ulsterman who can be limited by correctness in his own expression of patriotism.

Enjoyed the read, good to see you back on the main boards.

Tim
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Ron
[Mon May 18, 2009 2:52 pm]
And always a pleasure for me to see you on MW, Tim, and read your wonderful reviews and personal work. It's guys and gals like you who have a deep interest in literature that inspires me to stick around this wonderful site - with reference to a debate we all had on another thread. Wink

Thanks for typo. Cool

Here's a funny un, it got published in its original form last Saturday before Amy gave me her spot-on tips. I like both versions but this one is indeed 'tighter' and that comma will help too.

You're a good un, mate. Cool

Cheers
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". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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BrianRobertNeal
[Sun Dec 13, 2009 2:20 pm] Watto Ron
If the Swift is born in England then perhaps

in English skies, his natal home.

If not perahps

in English skies his adopted home

Just a few thoughts,

Brian

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