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Short fiction [Other] Moderators for this section: spiderbaby49, Poenamu, Lingua Pura, carolynrn, Inker

Number Witheld

Outline: 60 word fiction
"Is that Sarah Matthews? Are you wondering why Stevie is late home tonight? I like the purple shirt he wore today and those cufflinks. I'm keeping them as a souvenir... Pity the shirt got all bloody. I'll have to wash it... He should not have two-timed us. But he has been punished... He won't see either of us again." Click.
kashers
[Wed Feb 04, 2009 2:42 am]
Good scene building and interesting twist. Liked it.

That said, imo, I reckon you should deal with the shirt completely before getting into the cufflinks.

You could also save a lot of words and have others to use elsewhere, and at the same time have the dialogue sound more real by:

Quote:
"Is that Sarah Matthews?


That Sarah Matthews? (saves 1)

or,

That Sarah? (saves 2 - is the surname important?)

Quote:
... why Stevie is late home tonight?


... why Stevie's late home tonight? (saves 1)

or

... why Stevie's late tonight? (saves 2)

Quote:
I like the purple shirt he wore today


Loved his purple shirt (saves 4)

Quote:
Pity the shirt got all bloody.


Pity about the blood (saves 2)

Quote:
He should not have two-timed us.


He shouldn't have two-timed us. (saves 1)

Quote:
But he has been punished...


But he's been punished... (saves 1)

So, that's between 10-12 extra words to play with if you wanted. Nearly enough for a sequel.

Wink
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Kirio
[Wed Feb 04, 2009 7:02 am]
Enjoyed this. Kasher's right though; with those extra words you could have turned the sarcasm to acid.
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AnotherGlovePuppet
[Wed Feb 04, 2009 8:01 am]
I liked this. Maybe you could use any extra words you find to have Sarah speak or react. It might add to the drama.
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bluecity
[Mon Feb 09, 2009 10:33 pm]
This is great!

Quote:
Quote:
"Is that Sarah Matthews?


That Sarah Matthews? (saves 1)

or,

That Sarah? (saves 2 - is the surname important?)


I don't really see why you need to knock off bits of sentences in this way. In the past, I have done hachet jobs like this on my (longer) works and now I wince when I look at them. You got the story down to 60 words, and it works.

Quote:
I like the purple shirt he wore today and those cufflinks.


I think I would have used the past tense ie "I liked the purple shirt..."
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Rosemary
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