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Poetry Showcase [Other] Moderators for this section: Weaver, ochsterboxter, CadenzRime, Lingua Pura, ososment, carolynrn, Inker

Autumn Verse

Outline: All dank outside.
Towards the end of the year
Poetry drains out of the grey sky
And leaves the lawn covered in metaphors.

I rake them up and try
To rearrange them into a happy verse,
But the wind blows them away.

November does this for me,
Marshalling my thoughts into sombre rows,
Then scattering them.

I can't "do happy" in Autumn.
There are too many wet leaves dying
And trees turning into piles of sticks.

Sticks rotting and smoldering,
Smoke negotiating with the night
To cloak the land in dark confusion.

Too many memories blow around
In the Autumn, never seeming to fit
Into neat verses.
Ian Gould
[Thu Dec 04, 2008 6:40 pm]
What a brilliant verse. Love it. Great start, great finish and slightly great inbetween. Love it.

Ian
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Anonymouse
[Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:17 pm]
Thanks for that. I haven't written anything for ages, so that's encouraging!
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"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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Logicus tracticus
[Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:21 pm]
wonder if this would be better if you got rid of some of the "ands"
eg
Towards the end of the year
Poetry drains out of the grey, rainy sky
Then the lawn is covered in metaphors.

I rake them up to try
Too rearrange them into happy verse,
But the wind blows them away.


Sure you could do some thing with the later ones, I:e dead sticks/ acrid smoke..

Okay, they dont need to be as you finish with "Into neat verses." but know you can do better...

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: Grabbed by Grammar
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read once for meter, twice for rhythm
thrice for rhyme, then again for
leisure or measure of pleasure;
you: parasites of no consequence:
Larkin
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Anonymouse
[Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:29 pm]
Yes, LOgi, I know I can do better - but it's my first step back after months and months of nothing, so be gentle with me. (You're right though!) The battle of the Pervading Ands is on.
_________________
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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Dan dee Lion
[Fri Dec 05, 2008 2:49 am]
This poem is pretty smart, in the mood that it creates. Of the oppressive nature of the seasons. I feel it could do with a little pruning though, some of the lines display too much, there's a lot of power in the suggested or unsaid.

Towards the end of the year
Poetry drains out of the grey, rainy sky
And the lawn is covered in metaphors.

I'd lose rainy, grey is enough. And I'd change the last line leaving the verse:

Towards the end of the year
Poetry drains out of the grey sky
And the lawn's left covered in metaphors.

The next two verses scan fine for me.

In the fourth verse I'd be inclined to place inverted commas around "do happy", as it's a bit of an Americanism and the commas would add a bit of a sardonic angle to the line. You could also lose 'there are'.

In the fifth verse the 'The' is surplus to requirements. Also losing the word 'dark' might be an idea, the picture of emotional desolation is already painted and you wouldn't want to over-do it, plus the line is more alliterative without it.

I think the last verse would hit home a lot harder if it was trimmed considerably. Something like this perhaps:

Too many memories blow around
In the Autumn, never seeming to fit
Into neat verses.


I hope that I've been some help. I don't attack your poem like this because I'm rude, but because it's not my child and I have no attatchment to it I can point out its little faults and pinch its little love-handles.

So, for the sake of continuing an analogy, if the child was mine it would look like this (and by 'child' I mean 'poem' and by 'look' I mean 'read/look' lol):


Towards the end of the year
Poetry drains out of the grey sky
And the lawn's left covered in metaphors.

I rake them up and try
To rearrange them into happy verse,
But the wind blows them away.

November does this for me,
Marshalling my thoughts into sombre rows,
Then scattering them.

I can't "do happy" in Autumn.
There are too many wet leaves dying
And trees turning into piles of sticks.

Sticks rotting and smouldering,
Smoke negotiating with the night
To cloak the land in confusion.

Too many memories blow around
In the Autumn, never seeming to fit
Into neat verses.

Fond regards,

Dan.
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Dan dee Lion
[Fri Dec 05, 2008 2:55 am]
Just looked again, this verse:

November does this for me,
Marshalling my thoughts into sombre rows,
Then scattering them.

The 'my' needs to go as you've already said '...November does this for me'

So....

November does this for me,
Marshalling thoughts into sombre rows,
Then scattering them.

...perhaps....

Dan
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carrieann
[Fri Dec 05, 2008 1:43 pm]
None of them seem to fit into neat verses, but the entirety of what you're expressing here sure does. Dan's made some excellent suggestions, worth that little bit of extra polish on an already stand-out piece. Excellent.
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Anonymouse
[Fri Dec 05, 2008 2:31 pm]
Thanks for your suggestions, Dan. I'll get busy! Smile
_________________
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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bitraker
[Sat Dec 06, 2008 6:20 pm]
i like the extended metaphor you use to describe the inability to turn a phrase -

what about setting fire to the leaves at the end, fire being a form of transformation, a new beginning - of course, it might also be illegal in the UK, but that's okay - we're poets - we don't obey the rules anwyay...


<<br>>
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pamela
[Sun Dec 07, 2008 3:04 pm]
Hi Anonymouse,

what a brilliant poem, I absolutely love it. Autumn certainly is a time when life can take on a sombre mood but like the withered flora, fortunately, it brightens again and new smiles are born with the coming of Spring. Very Happy

I've read this several times now and enjoyed something new each time,

very sincerely,

Pamx Very Happy
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Anonymouse
[Sun Dec 07, 2008 8:33 pm]
Thank you Bitraker, Pamela and Carriann for your kind comments. It feels good to be back again! And thanks too to Logi and Dan - your suggestions have been implemented and the poem is better.
_________________
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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Logicus tracticus
[Sun Dec 07, 2008 9:05 pm]
And its much better with fewer and's, many ands don't always, make like work, its the switching on of the electricity that does that. Wink
_________________
read once for meter, twice for rhythm
thrice for rhyme, then again for
leisure or measure of pleasure;
you: parasites of no consequence:
Larkin
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Staszek
[Tue Dec 16, 2008 9:10 pm] b&#281;de komentowa&#322; Po Polsku ok
Pozwolę ci poćwiczyc nasz język i zamiast napisać komentarz po angielsku napisze ci go po Polsku !

To jest niesamowicie dobry wiersz widać że masz talent a to rzadkie ! chociaż tutaj o dziwo trochę ludzi z talentem znajdziesz !

Wiersz ma niesamowity Jesienny klimat
tak trzymaj !

(Did you understand my review do you wish to comunicate in Polish ?)

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: Galaxia The Stories Of The Illusion chapter 3
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Im like a demon cursed by the society !
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Anonymouse
[Wed Dec 24, 2008 12:16 pm]
Bardzo dzienkuje za psziemne komentarz! That's me polished out! I did understand your kind comments but my Polish spelling is a bit rubbish!
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"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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Staszek
[Wed Dec 24, 2008 2:32 pm] Well
I think you undestood enought for a while lets comunicate in English !

Cause we both know it very well Laughing
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