Who is online?

29 users online:
-- 0 registered
-- 2 hidden
-- 27 guests

0 user in the chatroom

(User activity over the last 10 minutes)

1331 registered users
Members List

Poetry Showcase [Other] Moderators for this section: Weaver, ochsterboxter, CadenzRime, Lingua Pura, ososment, carolynrn, Inker

Waving her off on the Leeds train

Outline: April 9 offering for the NaPoWriMo challenge
NaPoWriMo 2008

9th April

Waving her off on the Leeds train

Moving into the sunshine on the platform
to counteract the wintry chill
I look at her
not as tall as I’d expected
(eating problems at 15 did that)

pretty, happy, confident
proud of her expensive designer bag
(two weeks’ food/clothes allowance)
overdressed in two tees, jumper and jacket
(less to carry)

My firstborn, who nearly didn’t
make it into the world at all

I swell with pride at having such a
delightful, loving daughter for a friend
She smiles, catching me looking
“Everyone loves Louise”, she says
in a simple, innocent way
It’s true They do

I want her to take five pounds
for the taxi at the other end
She refuses
I look at her suitcase, her laptop, her carriers
and insist
Finally she accepts, embarrassed,
mumbling that she’s already taken ten off me
for her friend’s mum to cut her hair

We stand
awkwardly,
dreading the moment

She thinks of her cold room in Leeds;
I think of my warm house
and how empty it can seem

We see the train coming;
ashamed, I turn away from her,
tears welling (so not cool)

She knows
and puts her arms round me
(not cool but who cares)

Daughter and luggage board train
So vulnerable
“See you in the summer”
We both smile and wave

The train pulls slowly out of my Wednesday lunchtime

Will she ever know how treasured she is?
Logicus tracticus
[Wed Apr 09, 2008 5:41 pm]
No doubt she will after reading this...(in a quite place no doubt to save the embarrassment from friends)

Erm, perhaps she's not as tall as expected coz she grew up in a clean house not one full of dust and muck (no have alienated myself from all the tall members Embarassed )....

liked, this personal one mine was a bit of fun, at one person Wink Laughing Laughing

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: Andmymohohoho
_________________
read once for meter, twice for rhythm
thrice for rhyme, then again for
leisure or measure of pleasure;
you: parasites of no consequence:
Larkin
Report to moderator
Kate
[Wed Apr 09, 2008 5:45 pm]
Cheers, logi.
She'll never read it, for sure. (Shan't give her the link.)

Off now to looooook at AndMyMooHooHooooo ...
Report to moderator
Piya
[Wed Apr 09, 2008 6:21 pm]
Its strange,I too posted mine on the general board today...already commented on NaPoWriMo....lovely,heartwarming,made me hug mine....
Report to moderator
scarletdancer
[Wed Apr 09, 2008 8:38 pm]
Gosh Kate, this brought tears to my eyes. You'll probably have some down moments till you adjust. She'll miss you just as much. A sad read, but what alot of mothers feel like when a child leaves the nest. Great expression. cheers, scarlet
_________________
Our defense is in the preservation of the spirit which prizes liberty as a heritage of all men, in all lands, everywhere. Destroy this spirit and you have planted the seeds of despotism around your own doors.
Report to moderator
Inker
[Wed Apr 09, 2008 9:40 pm]
Aw, Kate,

Can I have a tear or two with you, please? My eldest went off to New York this morning at six o'clock for his work. I mean, I won't have his washing, his ironing, his meals to cook...oooh, hang on, these are tears of joy, aren't they? Woo-hoo!

Seriously though, a lovely display of your special moment before the train trundled her off. It will all too soon return her, older, wiser having missed you, too. Bet that greeting cuddle will also be something to write about!

Bestest,
Inker
Report to moderator
BrianRobertNeal
[Thu Apr 10, 2008 12:21 am] Watto Kate
"Will she ever know how treasured she is?"- Not until she has a child of her own and then all the pieces will fall into place.

Brian

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: After the fall.
Report to moderator
Shelley
[Thu Apr 10, 2008 7:51 am]
Lovely. Says it all perfectly.
Report to moderator
Kate
[Thu Apr 10, 2008 10:01 pm]
Hi Piya, Scarlet, Inker, Brian & Shelley,

Sorry to have caused a tear or two - mine have all gone today.
Thank you all for reading and for your comments.

Brian, I think you have hit the nail on the head: it's only parenthood (and, dare I say, motherhood in particular) that can make you understand these things. I was told before I was in a position to know, and wouldn't have believed such feelings possible. They are.
Report to moderator
Firecat
[Thu Apr 10, 2008 10:54 pm]
Will she ever know how treasured she is? Definitely! She may not always show it in the way you might like, but that is what gives her the confidence to go off for months at a time on her own. A big bit of you goes everywhere with her, and always will.
I like this poem. It leads you on by the hand. It's comfortable. The content is emotional, but the style is comfortable. It captures the moment.
I couldn't have written the poem like that. That is not a critical criticism, merely my observation. I made that journey so many times in the opposite direction as a student. The outward journey was always long and pensive, the return fast and anticipatory ~ I was coming home! I never settled in London; but I stayed there 30 years before returning, not home, never that, but not so far!
I would have had to put in some details of the trains, the to-ing and fro-ing, perhaps some onomatopoeias, the lines imitating the rhythm of the train. None of those are part of what you are saying. Not relevant. That's one good reason I could not write a poem like this!
Cat
Report to moderator
Kate
[Thu Apr 10, 2008 11:13 pm]
Appreciate your comments, Firecat, they've made me stand back and think about the way I've written this.

Your observation has interested me - maybe I will work on an alternative version, bringing in some rhythm and sound of trains. I admit I never even considered it yesterday, probably because my role ended on the station platform, but it's certainly an idea I'd like to work with.

I'm glad you found the style comfortable; it came quickly and easily, right from the heart.

Thanks,

Kate
Report to moderator
maipenrai
[Fri Apr 11, 2008 8:23 pm]
loved this Kate, just loved it.
Bernie
_________________
I know that you have suffered lad
but suffer this a while
whatever makes a soldier cry
will make a killer smile

L. Cohen
Report to moderator
Kate
[Fri Apr 11, 2008 11:08 pm]
Thanks, Bernie. Good to see you again.
Report to moderator
Chris Ripple
[Fri Apr 11, 2008 11:25 pm]
I know that feeling... My youngest daughter went off to Leeds. I think you got the mental confusion right on the button too, The fiver for the taxi is not important to the 'child', only for the parent... Funny how it's those things that crowd your mind at such an occasion ?

I really like this. Good one, Kate.
_________________
'He was born with a gift of laughter... And a sense that the world was mad'

Rafael Sabatini
Report to moderator
Kate
[Fri Apr 11, 2008 11:29 pm]
Cheers, Chris; appreciate you looking in and leaving a comment.

At least Stevenage to Leeds is a fast, direct line.
It makes me smile that she went from a village where there are less than 1,000 people to a city where there are 30,000 students.
Report to moderator
Chris Ripple
[Sat Apr 12, 2008 12:26 am]
My youngest, who still works up there after Uni', described Leeds as 'great... really banging...' I think in modern speech that means it's quite a lively and happening city.
_________________
'He was born with a gift of laughter... And a sense that the world was mad'

Rafael Sabatini
Report to moderator
1 2 |