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Poetry Showcase [Other] Moderators for this section: Weaver, ochsterboxter, CadenzRime, Lingua Pura, ososment, carolynrn, Inker

For a Just Bathed Baby

Outline: Twee? Who cares.
Scooped from the bath and wrapped
in a towel, laid-out then covered
in talc. So soft; a gift
to the fingertips -
piglet pink and pinch-an-inchish.

A human-shaped bundle of burps
and giggles. All heart, need
and dreams like bubbles: perfectly formed,
and so un-popped. Held in a towel
from the froth of the wash.
Logicus tracticus
[Thu Apr 03, 2008 10:48 am]
Can now see you in a frilly flowered shirt, performing this one Dan...
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anne other-one
[Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:24 pm]
Hah love the bubbles still un-popped
want to say congratulations maybe in order but p'raps too twee.
Here's to happiness and happy babies and kids
And happy shiny pomes like these
grinningly Julie
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somewhere I have never travelled, gladly beyond
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands
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carrieann
[Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:57 pm]
beautiful, Dan. Just beautiful.
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BlackRose
[Thu Apr 03, 2008 3:24 pm]
Nice one Dan. Enjoyed reading it.

Well done.
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Gavin
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arthurian
[Thu Apr 03, 2008 9:06 pm]
There's a sense of fun in this Dan - not sure if it is twee - but there is a kinda universal appeal in it to parents.
G
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Scribbler
[Thu Apr 03, 2008 9:09 pm]
Love it. Can just 'feel' that peachy skin and smell that lovely baby smell! Lol
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Uncle Buk
[Thu Apr 03, 2008 10:21 pm]
Removed by moderator
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'My promises are like fortune cookies, made to be broken.'

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Andmymare
[Fri Apr 04, 2008 12:39 am] Baby talk
Actually, people get twee about babies, even me.
There is a little belly in this, awaiting a mouthy nuzzle,
and 'frothy wash' and 'bath/wrapped' and 'piglet-pink'/'pinch an inchish' are baby-worshipping sounds and colors.

I'll leave the theological question alone.

Who cares?

Lynda
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carrieann
[Fri Apr 04, 2008 3:12 am]
Came back to this because it's a piece I enjoy but if you are looking for suggestions, maybe the word smothered could be changed, ending the "laid-out" line with that word has negative connotations. Also the repeat of towel, could work in (white) cotton instead? Sorry to be picky.
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Inker
[Fri Apr 04, 2008 10:02 am]
A Constructive Criticsm

Quote:
Plucked from the bath and wrapped
in a towel, laid-out then smothered
in talc. So soft; god's gift
to the fingertips -
piglet pink and pinch-an-inchish.

A human-shaped bundle of burps
and giggles. All heart, need
and thoughts like bubbles - perfectly formed,
as yet un-popped. Held in a towel
from the froth of the wash.


Hi Dan,

Just going straight in.

There are a couple of words which I feel unsuited in this piece: plucked and smothered.

Plucked tends to suggest something that is picked - a plum from a tree, feathers from chickens...would suggest 'lifted' or 'scooped' or summat along those lines.

Smothered - if you're dusting a baby with talc, you wouldn't smother them in it, in case of breathing problems...would suggest 'dusted' - although I know this goes down the lane of overuse - or 'sprinkled'.

If you're sticking with 'god's gift', God should be capitalised.

piglet pink - should be hyphenated.

All heart, need and thoughts - need should be needs as more than one is required by babbaloobahs.

as yet un-popped - think you could get away with dropping the 'as'

The punctuation in that last stanza also requires adjustment. It is actually a complex sentence, with two sub-clauses:

A human-shaped bundle of burps
and giggles: all heart, needs
and thoughts like bubbles, perfectly formed,
yet un-popped - held in a towel
from the froth of the wash.

I think the second use of towel is fine. Shows they are wrapped and cosy and snuggled.

I would imagine this would appeal to the majority of people. However, you will always find some hard-heart who objects. As the saying goes...you can please some of the people...blah-blah.


Hope something has been of help.

Bestest,
Inker
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Inker
[Fri Apr 04, 2008 10:09 am]
In fact, on re-reading, the first stanza is also a complex sentence...
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scarletdancer
[Fri Apr 04, 2008 1:26 pm]
Hi Dan,

What a gorgeous poem. I know some words are used as slang and doesn't follow strickly the meaning of the true word. Most likely a 'meaning' with a language barrier. We say plucked the baby from the bath. But, it's up to you if you want to change it.

Babies are such beautiful, innocent little people, and I enjoyed your poem very much. Great write. cheers, scarlet
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Dan dee Lion
[Fri Apr 04, 2008 2:28 pm]
Yes I tend to agree that 'plucked' isn't fitting... it's not very tender I suppose, but I do kind of grab at said bathed baby, to relish the flesh. I really appreciate you all stopping-by - I value all of your comments greatly. I know that this is a bit sappy, that it has no 'edge', but this is where I am at the moment. I suppose I could write a poem that starts:

"I was fucking Janie in my car
when someone
tapped
on
the
window
A burger-faced boy gawping in..."

or

"Dad handed me the crack-pipe
and I gently
inhaled
He placed his hand on my groin
and gave me that
mawkish look my mother
so
resented..."

And submit it to thievesjargon or some other tediously post-punk/post-modern/Ginsbergy little e-zine. But.. it would all be a little flimsy. I don't know much about being edgy anymore, but I do know about walking dogs and fishing and laying laminated flooring. Likewise I wouldn't want to submit to Hallmark Cards so I suppose I'll pop the odd thing on here in the foggy hope that it gives someone a little pleasure (or violent fits of thick vomit).

Fond regards,

Daisy Chain
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Dan dee Lion
[Fri Apr 04, 2008 2:33 pm]
I see that Unkle Buk's comments have been removed by a moderator. That's a shame - he has as much right as anyone else to say what he likes. He wasn't particularly offensive really, perhaps you should pop them back up... I'm not keen on censorship cockwankclitoriceallsorts.

Dan.
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Ian Gould
[Sat Apr 05, 2008 1:35 am]
What a poem! With just the right ingredients. Not a wasted word. A hint of warmth, a trace of giggle, lightly mixed with a splash of wonder.

Love it, love it, love it. I envy the writing.

Ian
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