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Poetry Showcase [Religious & Inspirational] Moderators for this section: Weaver, ochsterboxter, CadenzRime, Lingua Pura, ososment, carolynrn, Inker

Sermon On The Amount.

Outline: It'll probably be deemed offensive by the 'God Squad', so if that's your poison, please don't bother...
Why: fun
Review: any
SERMON ON THE AMOUNT.




Here we are safely gathered together in
The Church Of The Ever Loving Holy Rolling Right Wing Jesus
where God is available to all sinners
at prices everybody can afford...
Yes folks, I used to be a miserable sinner
just like you
but once I'd tasted the bitter pill of The Devil
I knew that I had to go all the way down
before I could climb back up again
and, as some young ladies can attest
I did go all the way down...
but I had my faith in my staff
given me by our God of love
and your donations to support me until
like our Lord, I rose again
Oh Lord, did I rise again...
As those earthbound angels ministered to my every need
praising my body with their dexterity until
feeling the strength of The Lord within me
I annointed them all with my passion
until their cups ranneth over
and who is there among us who could say
they would not have done the same ?

My friends...
It is now my faith that supports me
and in God I trust...
Those selfsame words being printed on the almighty dollar
which rules our lives in this world
and which provides a heavenly reward
for those of us who truly believe
and who live our lives by those standards
we have adapted from those Our Lord gave us all those years ago.
Yes Folks...
You can find a spiritual home right here...
Here at The Church Of The Ever Loving Holy Rolling Right Wing Jesus
where you can pay your money
and take your choice
and where God will absolve you of any sin
providing you have filled out all the right forms.
We care not what religion you were brought up in
here we actually believe in both eyes for an eye
and doing unto others what they might do unto you
but doing it first... and harder
and where loving your brother or your sister
is the reality of God's word...
Would you therefore please bow your heads
while my brothers and sisters come amongst you
to lighten your spiritual load and your wallets
and in your prayers please give thanks to God
that we live in a country where the freedom to worship
in the church of your choice
is held to be an absolute right of any person
whether highlife or lowlife...
Let us prey...
Author Explanation: I used to have satellite T.V. There are/were some absolutely appalling religious sites on it should anyone care to have a look. I still find it quite amusing when one of these t.v. evangelists gets caught with a prostitute or is arrested for fraud. What that poor bloke Jesus has had to put up with in his name over the years...
Ian Gould
[Tue Apr 01, 2008 2:47 pm]
Cash and salvation? Surely not. Money lenders in the church? And she's buying a stairway to heaven. Middle class congregations giving ten per cent, not realising that over ten per cent is when you start giving. God? No proof for or against. Open to the answer but I don't want to have to pay an Evangelist to tell me. If the Bible is so important then why isn't it a plain, easy to understand text book? Why do a percentage of people have to be bad to make the average look good? What of the lottery of life? The starving who have no bible. Money is the root of all evil? No, the lOVE of money is the root of all evil. I accuse a vast lump of the church. Is it run like a club? The power of the Evangelist. Check out his house, his car, his life, his bank balance. Cash and salvation?
Damn! Damn! Damn! You've started me off.

Love your rant on T.C.O.T.E.L.H.R.R.W.J. Good 'un. No doubt a few prickles will rise up.

Ian
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newvoice
[Tue Apr 01, 2008 8:18 pm]
ha ha - i loved this. when i was on the states once i saw this programme on tv in the hotel. this preacher guy gave a big sermon and then basically said 'send me in your money and i'll say a prayer for you'. and to my disbelief, people were phoning and coming out from the audience throwing cash at that guy; and the bigger the amount the more orgasmic his performance would get. it was bad cos most of the audience looked like trailer trash, but all these old women were emptying their purses for this fat guy in a toupe. total performance. must have been making a mint, all in the name of 'jesus' then probably spending it on crack whores.
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Inker
[Tue Apr 01, 2008 10:24 pm]
Let us prey - for we shall inherit all that the meek and lowly wish to give us for their salvation from eternal damnation, though it is really we who are the damned. Evil or Very Mad

When will people learn that cash is god?...to all.

Strangely enough, my new one is on a theology-based subject...being posted in the NaPoWriMo thread - tomorrow. mwahaha

Enjoyed the flow and acerbic tongue in cheekiness of this, Mr Ripple.

Let's hope your rise is a good one.

Inker
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Tnarg
[Wed Apr 02, 2008 10:21 pm]
Chris Ripple you are going to go to hell for this, you will be cast down into the eternal fire pit and demons will eat of your flesh, unless of course God forgives you and his minions on earth forgive you (We might hold a special fete to raise funds for your salvation!).
Seriously, loved it and, as one who has seen far too many of these TV evangelists when in the States I can say you've hit it spot on apart from one tiny thing, you missed one vital point and that is:

"Remember folks, salvation can be yours for just $9.99 a month"

It's always bloody $9.99, why not $10.00?

Cheers
Grant
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"Lives of great men all remind us, we may make our lives sublime, and departing leave behind us, footprints in the sands of time" Dave Brock
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RichBitch
[Thu Apr 03, 2008 4:53 pm]
Goodness, well said. Phil Collins sang a song like this on one of his albums and it always makes me cringe......but at the same time, respect. I feel so sorry for Jesus, as I am sure he was a real man, but he was so 'well behaved' and pleasant that people were suspicious of him. But at least he achieved notoriety and we all know him to be a good guy now, but I always reckon he must have done 'something' wrong in his short life. No-one can be totally without sin but then that depends on what you consider sin...oh don't get me started! A brilliant piece. RB x
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BrianRobertNeal
[Sat Apr 05, 2008 11:33 am] Watto Chris
Think you would enjoy Samuel Butler's "Erehwon" in which Churches are described as being "musical banks".

The criminal are treated as though the were "ill" and the ill were treated as being "criminal"

Butler wrote somewhere between 1890-1930 and just shows how these tendencies have a long foundation.

For those with Sky or Virgin try the "Christian Channel" and find out just how accurate Chris has been,

Brian

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: Grief-A Balanced View.
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Chris Ripple
[Sat Apr 12, 2008 1:35 pm]
So glad that those who bothered to comment seemed to like it although it wasn't a pop at religion as such but it was a pop against those who have 'adapted' the words of God for their own ends.
The reason there was no 'all this can be yours for just $9.99 a month' is because if you've ever been to some of the African Churches in Britain then you will know it also takes place here and I didn't wish to tie it to a specific country.

Hey, R.B... I cringe when I listen to Phil Collins too, or was that not what you meant ?
(laugh).

I love Tnarg's reviews 'cos in successive posts I've been a rascist and now I'm going to hell... Oh well, it's probably no worse than Stevenage !!!!!!!
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