6.00pm INCIDENT.




Stella cat's playing out in the garden
Jodie's asleep with a smile on her face
which leaves Cozmic, the long haired black furball
as suspect number one in this case.
Now the case involves theft as we know it...
Once something was there... but now it has gone
To whit... A portion of smoked haddock
which I'd just grilled then left out by the 'phone
as the item for which I'd been waiting
had just reached the six o'clock news
and silly me in my haste to catch it
had left the fish totally exposed.

When I returned in less than two minutes
I continued cooking the rest of my tea
I finished grilling the tomatoes and mushrooms
that I'd have ate with the haddock... You see ?
In moments I thought 'These are finished...
I'll transfer them to the plate with the fish'
but when I turned 'round to look, the haddock had gone
the only thing left was the steam from the dish.
And Stella cat's still in the garden
and Jodie's still lying asleep
which leaves Cozmic the cat as prime suspect
and where he's gone there's nary a peep.

Two hours later I got out the cat's biscuits
and all three just appear at my feet
and they all look so sweet and so lovely
you wouldn't believe that one was a thief.
Now I don't care about bank notes in Essex
Nor do I care about bullion at Heathrow
I don't care about vans robbed in Edgeware
but losing my tea was a blow...
So I interviewed them properly and separately,
checked the corners where they all like to lurk
and two of them looked up so innocently
but that black furball looked up with a smirk...
So I leave this poem as a lesson
to those who have cats old as I...
They may be over one hundred in cat years
but the buggers are still bloody sly.