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TRIPTYCH


Outline: Do we only value what we have lost? (Minor edit+accidental un/re publish.
Why: To get response
Review: Do the three complement each other?
BASELESS HOPE.

January, I tread so warily.
February, closing uneasily.
March, I see you swaying like graceful larch.
April, the final step in this Quadrille

May, from my clumsy rush you skip away.
June, leaving me a hopeless lovelorn loon.
July, learning nothing, just one more try.
August, sadly find that give up I must.

September, hope extinguished, no surviving ember.
October, alone, morose and sober.
November, what is there to remember?
December, just heartache to dismember.

As baseless hope will overide all pain,
Please let it be “January” again.

ON REFLECTION

Tripping here, flitting there,
Whilst I could but hover.
Floating free, gracefully,
She softly ebbed and flowed.

Tripping here, flitting there,
Lovely as no other.
As you can clearly tell,
I was trapped in her spell.

Tripping, flitting, floating free,
She broke my heart gracefully.

CIRCLE THE SQUARE

'We used to say
“we’d all be making songs
Or finding better words.”
These ideas never lasted long.'

We’d stood on the sand,
At the foot of the mountainous cliff.
A narrow circuitous road
curved its way slowly,
Climbing as it turned.

I’d said to her that
“The way is up along the road”
But she’d interrupted
that’s too slow for me and
Started to climb
A precipitous path.

I shouted for her to stop,
I warned her that,
“The air is growing thin,
Too many friends who tried,
Blown off the mountain
By this cruel wind.”

She laughed and cried out,
“Meet on the ledge,
We’re going to
Meet on the ledge
When my time is up,
I’m going to see
All my friends.”

I took the slower route
Soon realising that
I’d lost her forever,
In fact I gave up.
Accepting that I was made
To live on the Sand.

'Yet now I see, I’m all alone,
That’s the only way to be.
If we had our chance again
It would work for you and me.'

I so wanted to believe that,
Yet couldn’t. I grew old
But I didn’t forget her.
I’d scan the cliff face
I never saw her trace.

One day for no reason
I started to climb
Up the precipitous path.
At first the going was slow
Strangely, as I progressed
It got easier, soon
I was bounding
Like a mountain goat.

Just below its top
The path broadened
Jutting out over the drop.
It must be the ledge.

I heard her voice,it sang,
“Meet on the ledge,
We’re going to
Meet on the ledge.”

Why did I ever let her go?
Why could I not have taken risks?
Why do I still so want her?

The last hundred yards
Were arduous and treacherous.
They seemed to take forever.
When I finally got to the ledge,
She was nowhere to be seen.

I looked down to the sand
Where I glimpsed a young man
Not unlike I was at what
I imagined his age to be.

With him was a brunette.
She was teasing him
She turned and moved
Toward the cliff.

'If you really mean it,
It'll all come round again'.

I prayed to god
He would follow her.

Author Explanation: An attempt to portray the MC's response to an event. Each poem shows him at a different stage of his life and I tried to reflect this in each poem's "style".

Philip Graham King

[Mon Mar 10, 2008 12:24 pm]

Hi Brian

Baseless Hope
I love the use of nature in poems viz:
Quote:

March, I see you swaying like graceful larch.


I like the way you have managed to rhyme the months in each line without detracting from the meaning. An elegant poem.

On Reflection
I also liked the use of nature in the imagery of this. I imagined you as a large bumblebee or maybe a hornet (sorry!) trying to pursue an elusive Dragonfly.

Circle the Square
I liked the prose-like style of this and the story telling element reminds me of some poems from Spain's Golden Age (Luis de Gongora and Lope de Vega - if you've ever heard of them?); a truly poetic nation. Poetry does not always have to keep to a form in order to get the message across and sometimes 'free-form' equally does the job.

TTFN

Phil
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scarletdancer

[Mon Mar 10, 2008 1:13 pm]

This is a grand poem, Brian, three rolled into one. Three different stages of his life and the different thinking processes. He loved her carefree spirit, which he himself didn't have at that stage. His head ruled his heart. On reflection, his maturity of words and understanding now takes on a deeper expression. Seems to be an on-going regret, though I think his thoughts became more dramatise over time, thinking he had missed out on a reltionship which now he could handle, but most likely it wouldn't have succeeded when younger. It's the unknowen which has left a question mark on his heart and mind. But it also says to me that he never ended up with this type of female anyway. Though I also think, at this stage of his life, he would love this type of person in his life, and would be willing to take a walk on the edge.

Value more? Of course we do because it was special to us, but, other things become more valuable to us far beyond the memory of 'what may have been.'

These though are what crossed my mond when reading your poem. I think most of us have missed out on that 'love' we were too cautious to take a chance on. And we all reflect back and, wonder why. I really enjoy your writings, and this is no exception. cheers, scarlet
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carrieann

[Mon Mar 10, 2008 3:50 pm]

Placed together, these do read as a single life-long regret. They are very different poems, so only you can say if they should be packaged this way. Reading them like this I do get more sense of the narrator's ongoing pain.
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morrigan

[Mon Mar 10, 2008 5:01 pm]

brian, i know i give you a hard time, but:-

Quote:
She was nowhere to be seen.

I looked down to the sand
Where I glimpsed a young man
Not unlike I was at what
I imagined his age to be.


this is very lovely, quite unique.

i could take or leave the first two, the final one, however, speaks. there's an ancient story, norse in origin, about a couple ... she comes from the place of craggy rocks and harsh bird call, him from the beach and the gentle lapping of the waves. it doesn't work when she tries to live with him and it doesn't work when he tries to live with her. in the end they agree to meet at festivals, in odin's great hall, because there they're able to find common ground. your final poem sorta reminded me of this, and everything in between, the magick and loss, the sadness, the effort, how she is she and he is he. really 'enjoyed' it.

regs

morrigan
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newvoice

[Mon Mar 10, 2008 11:22 pm]

i think this is really good. really sad and tragic. it reminded me of that guy, the ex-judge in 'three colours red'. if anyone has seen it you'll know what i mean.

the opening bit reminded me of the cure - 'friday i'm in love'
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Carson [<18]

[Tue Mar 11, 2008 3:10 pm]

Aye Brian,

Sorry, it took me a wee while getting here. I concur with previous reviewers, I like this very much. And they do compliment each other, yeah, as far as I can see as a reader. And the thing is they're individualised, but at the same time I read them as a collective kind of lament/remembrance of someone.

I think this was the first time I've seen Circle the Square, which I liked a lot. It kind of reminded me of your poem, Meet on the Ledge in terms of sentiment I guess. I think my favourite was Baseless Hope though. The way you put it is very appealing and the whole going through the months thing, like going through the motions. Please let it be January again. I know exactly what you mean, I was there right then as a reader. Good stuff.

Enjoyed the read.

Tim
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bulldozer

[Tue Mar 11, 2008 4:07 pm]

Hi, Brain

I liked all three of these, A really good write and read.

Cheers

danny

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: The Creature of Blood Lake Chapter one (Edited)
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Chris Ripple

[Tue Mar 11, 2008 7:41 pm]

So Richard Thompson's Fairport Convention finale makes another appearance on the site.
Makes you wonder how many people have used a line or two from it ? I know I have.

Re. The Tryptich, yes it does work and quite well too. I agree with all the previous crit's. You seem to have encapsulated a life of 'regret' but (thankfully) left out the self pity that usually accompanies it. Well done.
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Inker

[Tue Mar 11, 2008 9:46 pm] Guten Noir, Senor

Hello Brian,

A lovely trio of poems, each reflecting, as you have pointed ouot, a time and 'mood' in the narrator's life.

First one - there are two lines that I feel does not sit at ease and the rhyme appears forced. That's the June and loon...I whistle a hopeless, lovelorn tune???

And August and the ending the line, I must - sounds Yoda-ish.

August, sadly find love's turned to dust???

(Merely suggestions, as ou know.)

I, too, liked the March and swaying larch.

Also felt the passing of time and the hope building, fading...

ON REFLECTION

One suggestion on this one...there's a beat missing in this line:
I was trapped in her spell.

Perhaps change in to within

Aha, and now the 'Creme de la Creme'...

A message to all, very well delivered, in that you need to take risks to achieve that what you want. Sometimes. A lesson learnt - and all that.

As morrigan also mentioned, this one has the tone of a much older story Norse/Celtic, both in tune with the land and nature in their stories.

Watch out for those mountain goats - they sometime creep up behind you and bit yer bum!

Quote:
That this time


Suggest dropping this line because it infers you have witnessed this couple before.

Anyway, a good depiction of views. 'Enjoyed'.

Inker
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Ron

[Wed Mar 12, 2008 5:13 pm]

A journey through life that ends with, or has never let go of, regret.

Sad tale, this.

I feel your title is wrong, though - although I know why you used the word, I believe - 'Triptych': an altar piece consisting of three paintings, usually hinged together and of the same size. If the three laments were of equal length the title would be perfect - yet the notion that you have bolted together previously-separate poems and made a shrine with these memories could fit the bill, I suppose.

Lament 1: for every month use a colon instead of a comma, as you are compiling a list month by month. No need for the speech marks in January on the last line.

Lament 3: verse 1 - no speech marks on 1st an 4th line.

“Yet now I see, I’m all alone,
That’s the only way to be.
If we had our chance again
It would work for you and me.”


Is this a quoted lyric from Fairport? If so, use ' in place of " and put the lyrics in italics, and if not, remove speech marks.

The last hundred yards
Were arduous and treacherous.
- this internal rhyme does not scan well, poetically, and emphasises the nature of the prose-like verses preceding it that carry on to the end.

...............

It was nice to see these poems up again, hope what I have mentioned will be of some use to you. You know me - just take what you may from it and ignore what you don't agree with. Sorry I ain't been around your port often lately - been busy on another project.

All the best,

Ron.

Cheers
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pamela

[Thu Mar 13, 2008 7:32 pm]

Hi Brian,

this is terribly sad and beautifully written. How age makes us regret the chances we didn't take. . .the decisions we didn't make. If we could go back I wonder if we could make it perfect or would we just make different mistakes.

Maybe we need our dreams to be unfulfilled sometimes, at least they are still perfect and not a disappointment or spoiled,

I thought this was excellent Brian,

Pamx Smile
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Tnarg

[Sun Mar 16, 2008 9:56 am]

Greetings Brian,

Well, most of the previous readers have said all that needs to be said, so, without repeating, what a grand idea, putting three poems together as one, was this the origional intent or did it just happen?

With reference to Ron's comment about 'Triptych', indeed his definition is the origin of the word however in recent years 'Triptych' has been applied to many things that used to be classed as 'Trilogy', set or trio.
I've seen 'Triptych' applied to a set of three poems several times now.
Cheers
Grant
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bitraker

[Mon Mar 17, 2008 4:03 pm]

grand idea, indeed, kudos for stretching the creative muscle

when i read this i keep seeing Helena Bonham-Carter, she of the pre-Raphaelite school, images of which i find in this

lovely piece

br
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puddleglum

[Tue Mar 25, 2008 7:54 am]

Brian, I'm sure I've read, enjoyed and commented on that last one before. Yse the three work well together, and I particularly like the first.

Although the meter is faily mixed, my mind told me 'a larch' and 'into her spell' flowed better.

Excellent and unusual set. Certainly that last is memorable as proven!

Patrick

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: Eighty
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namby

[Fri Mar 28, 2008 12:32 pm]

A lovely triptych Brian. Excellent! The tone also changes in these three poems from one of carefree playfulness to sombreness through anxiousness.
Enjoyed it.
Namby
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