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Poetry Showcase [Other] Moderators for this section: Weaver, ochsterboxter, CadenzRime, Lingua Pura, ososment, carolynrn, Inker

Now

Outline: Living in the present has its rewards.
The insubstantial future
with the fast receding past
Will bind me to the present
like a prisoner to the mast.

I might not see too clearly
for I’m looking up too near
But the sun is shining brightly
So there’s nothing left to fear.

And the gull that screams so wildly
as I listen to his cry,
Did he shout at me yesterday
or is he yet to try?

The minutes are expanding
to take up all the space
In a life that is compressed
Within this hour and this place.

I feel this present moment,
the contentment that it brings,
That stops me looking backwards
or anticipating things.
Logicus tracticus
[Fri Feb 22, 2008 11:57 pm]
Like this annony, would have preferred to see,
with the fast receding past.
to give the double use to "will"
same with "may" to "might" and it gives a half rhyme with brightly..

think you could lose the and in the gulls line as well as it don't serve much purpose to my reading of this..

felt this(rhymes contentment) and end contradictory like the beginning.
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read once for meter, twice for rhythm
thrice for rhyme, then again for
leisure or measure of pleasure;
you: parasites of no consequence:
Larkin
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pamela
[Sat Feb 23, 2008 2:54 pm]
I thoroughly enjoyed this clever poem, a lot of sense in it too,

Pam Very Happy
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scarletdancer
[Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:21 pm]
Live for the present, eh. Memories won't change and the future is undetermined. Excellent write, anony. cheers, scarlet
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Anonymouse
[Fri Feb 29, 2008 11:32 am]
Logi - thanks for your suggestions. You will see that I have made some of these changes. I don't know about the gull verse. I know that it does not move the poem forward, but it is point to ponder.

Thanks to Pamela and Scarlett for your kind comments. I feel more and more that we do not give ourselves sufficient time for the present moment!
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"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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Cul-De-Sac
[Fri Feb 29, 2008 9:40 pm]
Hey Nony, nice bit of work this and I agree with Logibear about the gull verse. It seems a bit forced and even a bit isolated in your narrative.
It is though a connective to your locale reinforcing the fact that your on the water and being contemplative. So perhaps a little tweaking of it might rid the stanza of the slight awkardness it carries?

Good to see your name attached to a poem again.

Cheers Cul
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Oedipus liked his eyes runny...
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Inker
[Sat Mar 01, 2008 4:08 pm]
Introspection and prospection, interesting mixy-poohs.

Within this hour and this place - think it may be more punchier if you drop the word 'and' using comma instead.

Aye, glad to be reading your words again, me dear. Hope all is well in your world.

Inker
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Roy
[Tue Apr 08, 2008 9:42 pm]
Just caught up with this, and I love it. The gull verse works well as a pause for thought. Without it, the poem moves too quickly from opening thought to conclusion.

Good to read you again Anony.
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Roy

www.royeveritt.com
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Logicus tracticus
[Wed Apr 09, 2008 12:13 am]
Just revisited, meant to say just lose "the gull" not the whole line so it read "and that screams so wildly" not that the inclusion of the gull ruins the work..still a good work..

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: A for awe-full, (Be that a smile, see sights so cheerfull )
_________________
read once for meter, twice for rhythm
thrice for rhyme, then again for
leisure or measure of pleasure;
you: parasites of no consequence:
Larkin
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