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Poetry Showcase [Romance] Moderators for this section: Weaver, ochsterboxter, CadenzRime, Lingua Pura, ososment, carolynrn, Inker

Picnic On A Rainy Day

Outline: The beginning of a love affair which lasted six months...
Why: fun
Review: any
PICNIC ON A RAINY DAY.



It is now two days since I picked you up on Sunday morning
prepared and pre-packed previously with everything we would need
then we drove...
We drove until we could drive no more
the North Sea being a natural barrier.

It did not matter that the rain had conspired with the day
for tho' the sun tried to show it's face
rain or shine mattered not at all,
we were just happy to get away.

Driving our way slowly down country lanes
seemingly having all the time in the world
as you, in childlike wonder
counted seagulls
as we neared the sea.

Parking the car on the clifftop
and looking out at the waves...
grey now,
in the soft autumn rain
then walking along the beach
holding our picnic in a carrier bag and a cardboard box
all the while thinking that
this was not exactly what Mills and Boon had in mind.

We watched the rain from under a beach hut
drips falling on my toes as we ate
and I prepared coffee on a portable gas stove
while you
in a feat of daring unequalled since the last polar ice cap walk
took off your boots and socks.

Then, as you cuddled up to me
the tide turned
revealing the smooth golden sand
and as the sun forced its way past the rainclouds
we held hands as you looked for shells by the side of the breakwaters
dipping our toes into the icily cold water
and giggling like children
while those out walking their dogs grinned behind their hands...

Driving back we wore sunglasses
to counteract the setting sun's glare
firing stream of consciousness humour at each other...
Both of us thinking that days like this should last forever
but not articulating the thoughts in our heads
until we were safely home again...
Now, two days later
I miss you...
Author Explanation: I'd been after this particular young lady for ages... This was our first proper 'date'. Written in Sept 1995.
BrianRobertNeal
[Wed Jan 16, 2008 12:19 am] Watto Chris
I often wonder with pieces like this what the other person would have remembered of the day?

An engaging read,

Brian

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: Mammy's little hero.
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scarletdancer
[Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:23 am]
The budding ways of new love, such a lovely feeling to have had, and an indelible memory to keep. Nice one. scarlet
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Cul-De-Sac
[Wed Jan 16, 2008 5:25 am]
Mate, I had a read of this and it just doesn't come across as poetic to me, more like some sort of journal entry or possibly a diary entry.
If it's prose poetry then make it so and do away with the line breaks.
This story or re-telling of a period of your life is obviously interesting to you and if you feel strongly about it enough to actually commit it to paper then...I reckon you should try to make it interesting to the reader.
From my somewhat jaded view it just reads as I've said, a jotting down of things that happened to you and much as I'd like to find something particularly endearing about I can't.

A bit more effort perhaps by you in the construction of this might make it a different work, at the moment it just reads a little bit ho hum.

Your telling me what happened and quite frankly it's boring...Stop telling me and start showing me what happened, show me with word pictures and make me think or gasp or nod in appreciation of shared experience.

More work needed on this, pare it down, get rid of the flotsam floating about in this (an example...
Quote:
for tho' the sun
it's not needed this "tho'") it may sound poetic to you but really it's just unnecessary padding.

Quote:
then walking along the beach
holding our picnic in a carrier bag and a cardboard box


This is plain lazy, if it was prose I'd reckon you would want to change it to something else ..."The beach held us as we held the makings of our picnic". Or whatever! Come on man, tell me what you really felt and saw on that day and do it in terms that makes me make mind pictures of you and that girl and the English beach scene your trying to depict.
Stop writing in romantic cliches, as that is how it's reading at the moment.


If you do a rewrite of this, do let me know so that I can read it and comment on it and also remove any barbs I may have inadvertently left, although if you ignore the review completely that's cool as well. I can step on the odd toe now and again.



Cheers CDS

(and keep writing of course.)
_________________
Oedipus liked his eyes runny...
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BrianRobertNeal
[Wed Jan 16, 2008 8:31 am] Watto Chris
For a pen portrait of Dead End Kid please see below,

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: Martin Alice
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Chris Ripple
[Wed Jan 16, 2008 11:38 pm]
Oy...Are you implying with your last crit' that me and her were Dead End Kids or are you just pimping for business ? I'll take it as the latter so consider it done.

In answer to B.R.N's first point, these days I haven't a clue, but she did actually hear me do it live a few times whilst we were an item...
Thank you Scarlet... It was one of the few nice days we had... I'll leave it at that.
Hi C.D.S.
Ok, you got it right with the words 'romantic cliche'. I actually wrote the whole thing as such and maybe on the page it doesn't come across but you actually got it bang on. I did try and leave a clue in the Mills and Boon line, but...
As I've said previously, everything I post is/was designed to be performed live and not to be read on the page.
The punctuation and line spacing is only there to let me know when to alter my vocal delivery and/or to breath. I'll try and give an example from verse five (There is a reason and I'll come to it)

'We watched the rain from under a beach hut' to 'portable gas stove' done in 'matter of fact' voice... totally normal.
'while you' Voice goes up a little to make 'you' gently accusatory.
'In a feat of' to 'ice cap walk' goes from gentle incredulity back to normal and then
'took off your boots and socks' done sardonicly but gently.

It is at this moment that the audience chuckles at it. Probably at the mundanity of it and that is the moment that you know you've got them and they'll listen to the rest without yabbering through it.

This particular item stayed in the set for about four years which was three and a half years longer than the actual relationship so something must have connected as it got requests. As I've said before on here, I don't tend to ask why they like something I just try and accomodate if it is possible within the set I have decided to perform.
Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't.
Requests usually come from three different sources.
(a). They've heard it before and want to hear it again 'cos they like or identify with something in it.
(b). They've been told by a mate that the one about 'whatever' is really good/funny/interesting/insulting/offensive and so they have to hear it too, and
(c). They want to see if I really did say 'it' because they were annoyed and insulted the first time... (masochists).
I would think in this case its (a) but I don't know because I never ask.

Hope this helps and would be happy to receive another crit' with that taken on board.
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Cul-De-Sac
[Thu Jan 17, 2008 12:54 am]
Cool Zen
_________________
Oedipus liked his eyes runny...
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aniseed
[Tue Jan 22, 2008 9:29 am]
I find this an attractive poem, memory is a very selective creature and depending on the mood we will select the best or the worst the bits in between are what tends to be forgotten.

Aniseed.
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