January

bulldozer · [Sat Jan 12, 2008 1:36 am]

Hi, Anonymouse

A very good poem about wet and gloomy January days, I liked it. Wink

Can I suggest something, If you don't mind. Wink

the last line in the last verse, you put:-

Fading into the night…

My suggestion:-

Fading into the nighttime gloom...

I hope you like this idea, it's up to you. Wink

Cheers

danny Very Happy

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: Thirteenth Mission
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If I do don't succeed, I try, and try again to I get it right Wink

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BrianRobertNeal · [Sat Jan 12, 2008 8:14 am] **Watto AMM**

This piece falls into 2 parts.

"The clouds bear down on us like a sodden grey duvet today.
The trees seem dispirited and weighed down with a frown.
The puddles are surging together and merging.

With each line having an internal rhyme. Perhaps you could replace "down on ....." with "upon". It would stop the 2 "downs" interfering with the rhyming.

The second part abandons the internal rhyme and as a consequence is weaker.

This weather
Takes the lead from your pencil and scribbles on the sky
Dark vapour trails of strange graffiti.
Fading into the night…"

An intriguing read,

Brian

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: Wave Goodbye

Anonymouse · [Sat Jan 12, 2008 12:36 pm]

ThanksDanny and Brian for reading and commenting. I am not a fan of "gloom" but I do agree that the second part of the poem needs more thought to carry on with the internal rhyming.
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Cul-De-Sac · [Sat Jan 12, 2008 10:08 pm]

Gday Nony I should write a counterpoint to this as January is a time of red hot temperatures here especially if your in the supposedly cooler south of the continent where the temp has been hovering around 40 c for what seems like ages.

It sounds a bit gloomy to me but also I can't help but feel a little bit wistful about being able to write about rain, as much of my country is seemingly drying up as a result of the worst drought on record.

'Takes the lead from your pencil' threw me a bit as it carries a different connotation down here than up there where you are perhaps Embarassed

Cheers

Edit: PS, bring back the little pussycat please....
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Oedipus liked his eyes runny...

Tsunami · [Sun Jan 13, 2008 7:18 am]

Now emerging
The Hand of God writes scribbles in the sky:
The Reason Why
Dark vapour trails in long forgotten text.
Now vexed
The loops, the curls, unfurling,
Swirling
Disolve within the dusky death of light...

Goodnight!

Wink

(Well, I have been up all night ~just can't sleep!)
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January

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January Outline: Just looking out of the window! The clouds bear down on us like a sodden grey duvet today. The trees seem dispirited and weighed down with a frown. The puddles are surging together and merging. This weather Takes the lead from your pencil and scribbles on the sky Dark vapour trails of strange graffiti. Fading into the night…