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Poetry Showcase [Other] Moderators for this section: Weaver, ochsterboxter, CadenzRime, Lingua Pura, ososment, carolynrn, Inker

On the way

Outline: As I drive I ponder.
Commuting between Oxford and my village
I pass the belching chimneys of industrial Didcot,
First on one side, then the other,
They change along the winding lanes.
Those dreaming spires one hand
And fat smoke stacks on the other.

And presently the windmills will erupt
Upon the countryside,
Slicing through the sky, eco-friendly
But unsightly.

And in the country taverns
Lame travellers stand and stare
And wonder what is happening
And why they are still there.
newvoice
[Wed Jan 02, 2008 9:19 pm]
i like this as it paints a familiar picture. i always think theres a special feeling when your between two places abd this captures that lonliness well.
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Logicus tracticus
[Wed Jan 02, 2008 10:27 pm]
Liked this..have you thought of "Commuted" for the opening word

It to be sets up the second verse with its new age windmills, and enforcing the bricks mortar ectra you are seeing have been brought here, as well as your two destinations..also like to see a couple of the "ands" swapped.. as it lets the rest of the work down..
e:g
For in the country taverns
Lame travellers stand and stare
No wonder to what is happening
Just why they are still there.

One of my first loves came from Didcot...teacher well was 30 years ago....
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read once for meter, twice for rhythm
thrice for rhyme, then again for
leisure or measure of pleasure;
you: parasites of no consequence:
Larkin
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bulldozer
[Wed Jan 02, 2008 11:33 pm]
Hi, Anonymouse

A very good poem, I would agree with Logi about changing lines 1 and 4 in the last versus... Wink

This little change will make the poem sound better I think. Erm

Thank you for the read.

Cheers

danny Smile

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: Love is Written in the Snow
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If I do don't succeed, I try, and try again to I get it right Wink .
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scarletdancer
[Thu Jan 03, 2008 4:17 am]
No wonder logi is such an expert when it comes to writing love poetry Very Happy Cool

Hi anonymouse, caught with sentiments between the old and new. A very picturesque poem. Tobad they can't make them more attractive. I enjoyed the read, an excellent write. cheers, scarlet Smile
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BrianRobertNeal
[Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:42 am] Hi ANM
Didcot has gone through massive changes in 150 years. Initially driven, by the Great Western Railway and the Town Gas Coking Plants and their associated infrastructures. The modern commercial/industrial estates have arisen on their ashes.

"And in the country taverns
Lame travellers stand and stare"

Though this may not have been your intention, it underlines the fact that many small towns and villages had access to transport and thus mobility in the 1860's that they no longer posses.

I believe that Windmills will go the same way as the local railway and Town Gas.

A thought provoking read,

Brian






The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: A Station Master's Son.
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Anonymouse
[Fri Jan 04, 2008 9:59 pm]
Thankyou, everyone for reading and commenting. I'm glad you picked up so well on what I was trying to say - which means I must be doing something right!

Thanks for your detailed comments, Brian, on the history of Didcot, for the benefit of those unfamiliar. And, yes, you got my reference to the dire lack of public transport these days!!!
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"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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Roy
[Fri Jan 04, 2008 10:11 pm]
Thought-proving, vivid imagery, strangely inspiring...
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Roy

www.royeveritt.com
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