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Poetry Showcase [Other] Moderators for this section: Weaver, ochsterboxter, CadenzRime, Lingua Pura, ososment, carolynrn, Inker

The Forest Glade (Execution Ground).


Outline: A comment upon mass murder...
Why: because...
Review: any
THE FOREST GLADE (EXECUTION GROUND).



It always seems so peaceful
in the spring
as the forest awakes
to the birdsong above us
where foxes and rabbits
scavenge for morsels
to make their lives easier
while we
cocooned in our beds
of earth, clay and leaf
lie in perpetual darkness
abandoned by all
save the worms.

No stone marks our passing
in the quiet of that forest glade
that execution ground
where we were taken so long ago
male and female and child alike
forced to kneel before the officers
who gave the order to their soldiers
to cut our throats with their long knives
slumping forward
our blood gushes out
to water the land
we once called our own
until
one by one
the earth reclaims us all
and we lay in peace.

Author Explanation: I was watching some of the aftermath of the 'Yugoslavian' conflict on tele' only to see somewhere I'd actually walked being dug up and... It was quite eerie.

Logicus tracticus

[Mon Feb 25, 2008 11:17 pm]

Yes can imagine it being quite eerie.

Now to the work, notice you used Murder in the intro, thought slaughter be more apt, murder to me is a personal killing what you describe is a more impersonal killing.

Prefer not to see so many and's,
"Where foxes with rabbits"... would help enforce the peace of the place...
A couple more could be lost/cut without detriment to the work..
Swapping long knifes for "slit our throats with bayonets" gives a harsher sound to the line and adds hidden half rhyme.
A good work all the same..
_________________
read once for meter, twice for rhythm
thrice for rhyme, then again for
leisure or measure of pleasure;
you: parasites of no consequence:
Larkin
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BrianRobertNeal

[Tue Feb 26, 2008 9:42 am] Watto Chris

Having read this my initial response was to sing,

And I say to myself,
What a wonderful world!

What makes this exceptionally appalling is that the victims are not just killed but executed using a blade thus ensuring that a slow and painful death will be suffered.

I wonder whose trade marks these are?

Brian

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: A lovely day out (Edited:Thanks bernie.)
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metman

[Tue Feb 26, 2008 2:29 pm]

I thought that the juxtaposition of the woodland serenity and the concealed savagery gave this piece of work quite a jolt. Excellent.
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maipenrai

[Tue Feb 26, 2008 5:23 pm]

a good write Chris
Bernie

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: Dancing
_________________
I know that you have suffered lad
but suffer this a while
whatever makes a soldier cry
will make a killer smile

L. Cohen
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Shelley

[Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:03 am]

Brian

Plus using a blade is cheaper than using bullets. I'm not being facetious, I'm deadly serious.
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Tnarg

[Thu Feb 28, 2008 8:31 pm]

Stone me Mr Ripple,
You've done it again
chilling piece
Cheers
Grant
_________________
"Lives of great men all remind us, we may make our lives sublime, and departing leave behind us, footprints in the sands of time" Dave Brock
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Chris Ripple

[Sun Mar 02, 2008 6:29 pm]

I've been toying with this for a week and deciding whether Logi's suggestion re the foxes and rabbits line and the 'ands' should be changed. If memory is to be believed I finished it when first written with 'until we lay in peace' but it didn't say what I wanted and so I changed 'until' to 'and'.
'Long knives' I'm keeping as the trigger instance was done by militia and not army and some were armed with kitchen and hunting knives as opposed to bayonets. The rest of the 'ands' have to stay as it alters the perspective away from 'gentleness', which is what I was after, to change them.
After a lot of soul searching I think Logi' is right on the foxes and rabbits so henceforth... it's changed.
Thank you to everyone who commented and for the p.m.'s received.
It seems to have touched something...
_________________
'He was born with a gift of laughter... And a sense that the world was mad'

Rafael Sabatini
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