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Poetry Showcase [Historical Adventure Stories] Moderators for this section: Weaver, ochsterboxter, CadenzRime, Lingua Pura, ososment, carolynrn, Inker

The Fall

Outline: Inspired by Bryce Courtney's book 'The Potato Factory'.
Review: Any comment welcome.
The Fall


The indulgence of the public knew no bounds.
Victorian London had to loose the hounds.

Industrial Revolution in full swing.
Empire Builders one and all they sang.
But no one thought about forming a Police
'Til Ike Solomon's kids skulked through the streets.

Then Peelers stood up bold and stopped the tide.
Bow Street Runners ran and did not hide.
Judges sent them all on massive ships.
Months on end they wallowed in the shit.

Shackled arm in arm they saw a land
Given them as punishment for stand.

Descendants of those ten year old young boys
Who should have been at home with nice new toys
But stole a loaf of bread instead for Mum
Then kissed goodbye to tranquil English Sun

Built a land for Heroes one and all
Based on Ike's kids who felt the fall.
Author Explanation: I'd forgot about this one then found it again today. It was written in the Flash Poetry group last year and got published in the Peterborough Evening Telegraph just before Christmas - editor even left the word 'shit' in. When Dickens wrote Oliver Twist, he based Fagan on a real criminal, Ike Solomon, who was transported to Hobarth, Tasmania, for 'Running a Den of Thieves'.
Logicus tracticus
[Sun Nov 04, 2007 4:53 pm]
Shackled arm in arm they saw a land
Given them as punishment for stand.

Hmn....
leg to leg shackled they often went:
as was the current crimes punishment..
Though yes you are right lot of them got more land than a rozzer could have shaken stick at...still room for a bit more satire in this...forming a Police...think (only rich had own police)as it was for long time. bow street (ran and did not hide).perhaps ran truncheons held high...did not hide seems to easy to write....

think you could show more of the tale, in reinterpretation some of the lines
_________________
read once for meter, twice for rhythm
thrice for rhyme, then again for
leisure or measure of pleasure;
you: parasites of no consequence:
Larkin
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Ron
[Sun Nov 04, 2007 6:09 pm]
Good points, mate, will think more, cheers. Legs, yeah, but must have been thinking subconsciously of hand-in-hand comrades. Must think more on leg-irons, thanks. Re police: was thinking of Peel and his reforms that eventually ended up as the Scotland Yard we know today.

Yeah, guess I could expand this with more 'satire'. After all, it did create a new race of people. Hm . . . blimey, it could end up a big one Shocked Laughing

Thanks for lookin' in. Wink

Cheers
_________________
". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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Shelley
[Sun Nov 04, 2007 6:33 pm]
An interesting poem, Ron, with a history lesson too.

The only line I have trouble with is
Quote:
given them as punishment for stand


for stand ? I don't know what you mean here.
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Ron
[Sun Nov 04, 2007 6:39 pm]
Good point, Shelley - guess I was thinking of 'stance' and opted for the easy hard rhyme. Hm . . . you and Bob have given me much to think about. Very Happy

Cheers
_________________
". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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Inker
[Sun Nov 04, 2007 9:04 pm]
Hi Ron,

I owe you an in-depth and will respond as soon as time allows - ironing right now. Wah...

Just one pre-review comment, (uh-oh) the syllable count on the lines is out, ranging from eleven in the opening couplet, to ten in the third line and nine in the fourth.

A suggestion:

Quote:
Industrial Revolution in full swing.
Empire Builders one and all they sang.


Swap lines about and give a re-jiggle to sounds...


'Empire Builders - one and all,' was how they'd sing,
for Industrial Revolution was the thing.


The capital letter on Police is not needed. Well, not unless you're talking about Sting and his group, hehe.

Will be back with more invasive fingers another time.

Inker
x
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bulldozer
[Mon Nov 05, 2007 12:27 am]
Hi, Ron

A very interesting poem, nice one Wink .

danny Smile
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Inker
[Mon Nov 05, 2007 11:17 pm]
Stand by your beds! Laughing

Oh no, she's back...what's she gonna blether and go topsy about now?

Nahnah

Right, there's a good tale in this (as has already been said), but tis a wee bit mixed up.

You know I am a straight-talker when it comes down to serious crits, Ron, so here goes. All done with best intentions, blah-de-blah.


Quote:

The indulgence of the public knew no bounds.
Victorian London had to loose the hounds.


I would have this introduction written in italics, ending in elipses...and with alteration as thus:

The indulgence of the public knew no bounds:
Victorian London had to loosen hounds...

and in this opener is a word upon which I ponder - loose/lose - loose: to let loose or lose: to get rid of? Either word works equally well, however the way you have presented it originally is unclear as to meaning. Needs more definition of your intention.

Quote:
Industrial Revolution in full swing.
Empire Builders one and all they sang.
But no one thought about forming a Police
'Til Ike Solomon's kids skulked through the streets.


As per original post. Even if you ignore my suggestions on this stanza, look at the punctuation and grammar. No verb is used in the first sentence - the song words are not presented correctly in the second sentence and why 'Til when till is fine?

Quote:
Then Peelers stood up bold and stopped the tide.
Bow Street Runners ran and did not hide.
Judges sent them all on massive ships.
Months on end they wallowed in the shit.


Ahh, Peelers - who are they? Are they the potato army? (Forgive my fascetiousness) We have them introduced without any previous history. The way this stanza is written gives the reader the impression it is the Bow Street Runners who are sent away. (And who are they?) And why did the judges wallow in shit for months on end? Each of those lines has been presented as a sentence and I would suggest having a good edit of this stanza as it is the turn which should lead effortlessly to the finale.

Quote:
Shackled arm in arm they saw a land
Given them as punishment for stand.


Logi's already mentioned the shackling - should be leg-to-leg - but how would they have seen the land? Prisoners were normally below deck, without portholes? I know, I know, I'm nit-picking.

Don't really want to suggest re-writes as it may appear I'm being school teacherish, hehe.

Quote:
Descendants of those ten year old young boys
Who should have been at home with nice new toys
But stole a loaf of bread instead for Mum
Then kissed goodbye to tranquil English Sun

Built a land for Heroes one and all
Based on Ike's kids who felt the fall.


You've now gone to using no punctuation and having this as one long sentence, which, in truth, makes little sense.
There is a good rhythm running through the quatrain with 10 syllables each line, then it drops to 9 for the final couplet, skewing the rhythm.

You introduce a romanticised view of England, which opposes the opening (also you began as London and now it's England, suggest keeping one location). If they were sitting at home with new toys, this would suggest they had money to be purchasing such items, so why would they go stealing?

I won't say anything about the 'nice'... (pet hate word, lol)

I would suggest dropping the last two lines of the quatrain and bringing up the last couplet.

Descendants of those ten-year old young boys,
who kissed goodbye to all their London joys,
have built a land for heroes one and all
based around Ike's kids who felt the fall.

Merely suggestions, as you know. I hope you accept my fiddlings as help, only ever done with best intentions.



Bestest,
Inker
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Ron
[Wed Nov 07, 2007 1:28 pm]
Cheers, Danny, glad you liked it. Very Happy

.........

You too, Inker, and a special muchas gracias for all your work. Your points are noted and appreciated. Cool I think everyone's right, yes, it could be improved.

Thanks Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

Cheers
_________________
". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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