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Poetry Showcase [Other] Moderators for this section: Weaver, ochsterboxter, CadenzRime, Lingua Pura, ososment, carolynrn, Inker

Innocent Carbon Footprint

Outline: From the Flash Poetry group - prompt was 'Carbon Footprint'
Review: As always, any comments welcome
Innocent Carbon Footprint

Once, in a time before Man's birth
There lay a tree in deep decomposition
Felled by lightning's blasting axe.

It softened, rotted, oozed its last gasp of sap.
Then a ten ton creature used it as a stepping stone.

It sank, while Life above it rose,
And felt a squashing from the new.

And when the giant lump of coal was cleaved in two
A three-toed-print, wrinkles and all,
Could not be found on any crime sheet.
BrianRobertNeal
[Fri Jul 13, 2007 2:15 pm] Watto Ron
"Could not be found on any crime sheet."

An enjoyable novel read. However the last line jarred.

Brian

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: Humour
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Ron
[Fri Jul 13, 2007 2:27 pm]
Cheers Brian, thanks for dropping by again.

Cheers
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". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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Logicus tracticus
[Fri Jul 13, 2007 3:55 pm]
Yes..any crime sheet.
not the ending this deserves...."afphis" {'all finger prints held in stock} perhaps altering the "print wrinkles and all"
A triumphing sole impressed inside,
dna will also say who did this crime..

Interesting...
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read once for meter, twice for rhythm
thrice for rhyme, then again for
leisure or measure of pleasure;
you: parasites of no consequence:
Larkin
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Ron
[Fri Jul 13, 2007 4:09 pm]
Cheers, mate, thanks for dropping by again. Cool

Was just a loop brought about by an image - an image generated by the, 'Cows make methane and it's all their fault' stupid debate put forward by environmentalists this week. Yeah, we know they fart and, yeah, we know they have an idea of how to turn cow farts 'green', but what they gonna do about farting wildebeest while they drive around Tescos in 4x4s? Laughing

Cheers
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". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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pamela
[Fri Jul 13, 2007 5:46 pm] Hi Ron,
I have to say that I found the "crime sheet" effective as a link between ancient and new. I thought it tied the whole thing together and gave it a glimmer of humour. You have covered several hundred million years in ten lines, I think you have to be congratulated!

Pam

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: My Secret Place
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maipenrai
[Fri Jul 13, 2007 10:43 pm]
Well Mate for " just a loop" this turns out to be a very good write, enjoyed the read.
Bernie
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I know that you have suffered lad
but suffer this a while
whatever makes a soldier cry
will make a killer smile

L. Cohen
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Ron
[Sat Jul 14, 2007 12:20 pm]
Thanks Pam, Cool

I was thinking about changing the title to 'Innocent Carbon Footprint' to make it obvious what the subject matter was, but it now appears that most readers understand so I think I'll let it stand as is.

Thank you for your praise, wow. Cool

Cheers

............

Cheers Bernie, funnily enough, I think some of my best work came from simply looping off, hehehe, more fun, too, when I'm not constrained by rigid formula.

As always, appreciate your name and comments tagged to my work. Cool

Cheers
_________________
". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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MummyPenguin
[Sun Jul 15, 2007 7:42 am]
Ron
Sorry I got to this after the others as they have managed to say it all between them.

But I did think of a little alternative to the last line - doesn't fit in terms of scanning but definitely does in terms of sentiment -
Quote:

Could not be found on any national database

which would cover LT's point about DNA and so on.

Good read.
MP
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Ron
[Sun Jul 15, 2007 11:34 am]
Thanks for your thoughts and kind words, MP. Wink

I was trying to say, I guess, that 'if' Global Warming is real, and 'if' mankind is accelerating the process, then don't stick animals on the list of 'climate abusers' just because they fart methane. Hence 'innocent print'.

Thanks too for your database suggestion, but I feel that if the print couldn't be found on a database it would suggest, to me anyway, that the species of animal was unknown. Hm . . . that last line seems to have thrown more than one reader off the scent. Hm . . .

That's flash poetry for you. Laughing

Thanks again. Wink

Cheers
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". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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Logicus tracticus
[Sun Jul 15, 2007 12:14 pm]
OH bernie why not given "just because they fart methane. Hence 'innocent print'." Skid mark Wink a not so innocent print...apart from in a nappy
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read once for meter, twice for rhythm
thrice for rhyme, then again for
leisure or measure of pleasure;
you: parasites of no consequence:
Larkin
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Ron
[Sun Jul 15, 2007 12:53 pm]
Laughing Laughing Laughing
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". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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