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Poetry Showcase [Other] Moderators for this section: Weaver, ochsterboxter, CadenzRime, Lingua Pura, ososment, carolynrn, Inker

Oh Aunty May


Outline: Yes, she is real.
Oh Aunty May, poor Aunty May,
Your life has all been washed away.
We glimpse your essence when we look
At sepia prints in faded book.

We see you as you used to be,
Quite charming at the age of three,
Dressed all in brown on oaken chair
Brown ribbons twined in chestnut hair.

Then as a pretty girl so bright
You sparkle there in black and white,
All draped across a vintage car
Like some forgotten movie star.

And there you are, dear Aunty May,
At every happy Wedding Day,
But no bells rang for you aloud,
Just smiling sweetly in the crowd.

So uneventful years flew past
And stole those charms that will not last,
Leaving you bitter and bereft,
Arthritis and cold anger left.

And now all thought has flown away,
No memory recalls the day;
And we are strangers when we call
Like empty frames hung on the wall.

Your eyes are blank, with nothing there
Except a hard unblinking stare.
Oh Aunty May, poor Aunty May.
“What happens next?” is all you say.

Logicus tracticus

[Thu May 10, 2007 11:44 pm]

Well auntie May could have been June and was busting out all over.

For some reason Anastasia came into my mind, guess aunty may might have been of that generation...Seems strange to think at time that dear sweet little old lady in front of you in sainsburys would have been in her prime during the roaring twenties and the like of what went on not seen till the sixties.

Back to poem, not one of your best, seems a bit plain... take the last verse...
Your eyes are blank, with nothing there
think dulled would work better even
Eyes dulled grey no-ones home you've gone away.
Except a hard unblinking stare.
perhaps cold hard unblinking stare...enforcing the bitterness referred to earlier
Oh Aunty May, poor Aunty May.
perhaps adding "my or our" in the middle
“What happens next?” is all you say
thinking this could be a lot better if you took out a couple of the rhymes or moved the placement would end is all you mumble/grumble if you wanted to keep rhymes our auntie may is troubled.. is so often mumbled(keeping the reader in the dark as to who is mumbling...
_________________
read once for meter, twice for rhythm
thrice for rhyme, then again for
leisure or measure of pleasure;
you: parasites of no consequence:
Larkin
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Shelley

[Fri May 11, 2007 7:58 am]

I like the poem. The rhyming is a little strained in parts and you have some cliche but it does work.

You bring out the feelings of the onlooker as well as the difficulties and helplessness of aunty.

Excellent last line which hits bullseye, with me anyway - I know a lady suffering like this: when I leave her, she says 'What do I do now?' - it's one of the saddest questions I've ever been asked.
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Sir_Nigel

[Fri May 11, 2007 9:15 am]

This reminds me of a late aunty of mine. This line:

'But no bells rang for you aloud,
Just smiling sweetly in the crowd'


particularly struck a chord. It says a lot in a few words.
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maipenrai

[Fri May 11, 2007 11:10 am]

a rather sad piece this but i think quite a good one.
_________________
I know that you have suffered lad
but suffer this a while
whatever makes a soldier cry
will make a killer smile

L. Cohen
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jjcocker

[Fri May 11, 2007 12:52 pm]

An interesting story unfolding with this poem, Anonymouse.

So few words, for a person's lifetime, but complete and with so much meaning.

Thanks for the read,

JJ
_________________
JJ

"There is only one real sin, and that is to persuade oneself that the second best is anything but the second best."
Doris Lessing.
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BrianRobertNeal

[Fri May 11, 2007 4:41 pm]

I enjoyed this it romped along and then seemed to slow as did Aunty May until the poem and she came to a full stop.

I once found my neighbour's elderly father wandering around our road. I took him in for a cup of tea and as he came into my house he said,"You know son I'm not all there."

Brian

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: A state of Grace
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Anonymouse

[Mon May 14, 2007 4:57 pm]

Thanks everyone for stopping to read and comment. I really appreciate it. I was not entirely happy with the format. (As you say, Logi, not one of my best, I freely admit.) Perhaps I could do more justice to the subject matter if I tried to redo it without the rhymes and rumpty -tum. Watch this space!
_________________
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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