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Ode To Iraq (revised)

Outline: My first Sonnet - thanks, Keith and KateS, for getting me hooked on the form *wink*.
Review: Any comment welcome.
Ode to Iraq

I saw a flash and then I saw ten more
My heart it sank as hope of peace was gone
The lights went out; the phrase was ‘Shock and Awe’
The men with pens had authorised to bomb.

The sun came up and dust hung in the air
A plane flew in; it blew away the link
To phone and gas and people knew despair
And those who rule said armour had no chink.

But with no thought, no means to force a peace,
No Hearts and Minds, no way to shake a hand,
A war goes on and killing does not cease
Till those who fight can heal a blasted land.

It could have been so easy in the end
If we had forged a love for new freed friend.

..............


Original version published in the Peterborough Evening Telegraph before I received helpful tips on this thread.

Ode To Iraq

I saw a flash and then I saw ten more
My heart it sank as hope of peace was gone
The lights went out; the phrase was ‘Shock and Awe’
They died that night, the young, the old, alone.

The Sun came up and dust hung in the air
A plane flew in; it blew away the link
To phone and gas and people knew despair
And men did march when they ran out of ink.

But with no plan, no means to force a peace
No Hearts and Minds, no way to shake a hand
A war goes on and killing does not cease
And those who fight were born on foreign land.

It could have been so easy in the end
But all the plans were round the bloody bend.
Carson
[Sat Apr 14, 2007 3:16 pm]
Hi Ron - first sonnet eh? I wouldn't have guessed if you hadn't said. Pretty good for a first attempt, enjoyed reading.
Quote:

But with no plan, no means to force a peace
No Hearts and Minds, no way to shake a hand
A war goes on and killing does not cease

Loved these three lines, great contrast here. Winning the hearts and minds of the people being liberated, who you're fighting for is vital. Without this it becomes very difficult and as you say - "a war goes on".

"It could have been so easy in the end", it seems like that with most wars sometimes, it only takes a little to trigger a conflict.
Good poem Ron. Thought provoking too, enjoyed reading,

Tim

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: Folk On the Hill
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"To bore one hole after another in language, until what lurks behind it, be it something or nothing, begins to seep through. I cannot imagine a higher goal for a writer today."

Samuel Beckett
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Kate
[Sat Apr 14, 2007 3:30 pm]
Will return to this when more time, but just wanted to say that on first glance, it looks pretty damn good to me. The rhythm, rhymes, form are all pretty much spot on.

Shame about the emboldened type tho Run

I will be back ...
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Ron
[Sat Apr 14, 2007 3:51 pm]
Cheers, Tim, Very Happy

And I'm pleased you like those three lines too, and here is why:

This week, I finally learnt the mechanics of a sonnet, plus all the different types of sonnet, and this one here is a 'Shakespearean' sonnet. Those three lines are, apparently, called the turn or 'volta' - where the poem heads off on a different track to the first eight lines in order to come to a conclusion. I was quite amazed with myself when I counted off the syllables and found that the rhyming scheme was bang on too and, most of all, that the volta was just where it is supposed to be.

I live and learn, yahoo!!! Magic

You're a good mate, you are . . . I'm glad I know you.

Cheers

Ron.
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Ron
[Sat Apr 14, 2007 3:56 pm]
Run back at your leisure, Kate Cool because you taught me too and what you just said was music to my ears Note Whistle Yahoo!

I'm now a sonnet junkie and looking forward to my next fix. Wink

Cheers
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". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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MummyPenguin
[Sat Apr 14, 2007 6:44 pm]
Hi Ron
Really impressed by this sonnet.

But she said impishly, "I thought sonnets were supposed to be about breakfast..."
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Ron
[Sat Apr 14, 2007 6:49 pm]
Yep, you may be right Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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KRC168
[Sun Apr 15, 2007 1:36 pm]
For a first attempt, this is an admirable effort and one you are rightly being congratulated for.
The form/version chosen... is very restrictive, but hey! if you are going to try something you might as well jump in with both feet... how else can you learn?
Writing sonnets, appears a daunting task to many and most won't even try. But it can be addictive and is an excellent exercise in control.

Well done Ron.

Now to the piece Rolling Eyes

It sticks in one or two places to me Ron, namely:
Quote:
My heart it sank as hope of peace was gone

They died that night, the young, the old, alone.

Is a poor rhyming couplet and IMO is more visual than practical, appearing forced in context.
Quote:
And men did march when they ran out of ink.

Again, appears forced for the sake of sound and doesn't really fit in with what has gone into the lead in lines?
Quote:
And those who fight were born on foreign land.

A strong line, very powerful but... is it accurate?
Are the ONLY people involved in the fighting foreigners/insurgents?
What about the Iraqi army/police force/'freedom' fighters/terrorists/government ?
Quote:
It could have been so easy in the end
But all the plans were round the bloody bend.

IMO, a little weak... as if you couldn't wait to finish it off?
A bit like a throw away line... How could it have been so easy?
It is akin to rival parties stating "I wouldn't have done that", in order to gain the moral high ground in the popularity stakes, but not actually divulging WHAT they would have done differently to ensure a better/more beneficial (to the people) and dignified outcome.

Apologies if this all appears a little harsh and nit-picky Ron, but you have (bravely) chosen a difficult and subjective (depending on your POV) subject to go with a difficult and subjective form !

Can't fault the mechanics/execution, but just feel it could be a little tighter in content. Rolling Eyes

NOW you can set the dogs on me and let me know how jumped up and out of order I am! Wink Laughing Laughing Laughing

Still friends... ? Razz

Keith
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ab honestō virum bonum nihil dēterret

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Ron
[Sun Apr 15, 2007 1:53 pm]
Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

OK OK OK

Laughing Laughing Laughing You're my life-long friend, calm down. Laughing Laughing Laughing

I like your suggestions and will give serious thought to them. Wink

Grand Prix on, will get back to you soon.

Thanks for helping me get into sonnets. Wink

Cheers
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". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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Ron
[Mon Apr 16, 2007 1:16 pm]
Had a tinker, watcha think?

I saw a flash and then I saw ten more
My heart it sank as hope of peace was gone
The lights went out; the phrase was ‘Shock and Awe’
The men with pens had authorised to bomb.

The Sun came up and dust hung in the air
A plane flew in; it blew away the link
To phone and gas and people knew despair
And those who rule said armour had no chink.

But with no thought, no means to force a peace
No Hearts and Minds, no way to shake a hand
A war goes on and killing does not cease
Till those who fight can heal a blasted land.

It could have been so easy in the end
But plans of mice and men were round the bend.

........
That last bit could be plagiarism, hey? Confused Laughing
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". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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Ron
[Mon Apr 16, 2007 1:29 pm]
Sonnets are not easy. Laughing

How about the last line as:

If we had forged a love for new freed friend.

?
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". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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Kate
[Mon Apr 16, 2007 4:27 pm]
Okay, back, so here goes.

This is impressive, Ron, for a first sonnet - no doubt about it. You have got a good rhythm and seem to have mastered the stressed syllables perfectly.

On looking more closely at rhymes, I agree with Keith that rhyming gone with alone is weak and, to be honest, I don't like it rhyming with bomb in your revised version either (sorry, perfectionist here).

It is very easy (speaking from experience) to grab at a rhyming word and use it to suit - again, as Keith has said, there are a couple of rhymes in the original which seemed forced (link, ink). And (again, experience!) there's a feeling of relief as you finally get that last couplet sorted ... but this one (orig) does look a little rushed (as, indeed, does mine in Egg & Bacon - I intend to improve on it).

In the revised version, link/chink still seems a little forced, and I think the final couplet remains less effective than you could make it.

The content is strong and thought provoking, and yet I know - having seen your other writing - that you could tighten it just a wee bit more.

In my usual picky way, I have to say that I soooooo much prefer reading ordinary (not bold) type and I would also have to ask why Sun takes a capital S (unless you are referring to the newspaper!)? Ditto Shock and Awe, Hearts and Minds.

May I make a suggestion? Let this sit for a day, or two, or several, then come back to it. You may find it easier then to change the weaker lines around a little, possibly using a couple of different rhymes, thereby strengthening the impact.

In summary, I repeat what I said at the outset: pretty damn good for a first sonnet, with clear understanding of form, turn, rhythm & rhymes. Sonnets aren't easy (!) and this is a real achievement.

Well done!

Kate
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Ron
[Mon Apr 16, 2007 7:01 pm]
Thanks Kate, Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

As I said to Keith, all of your suggestions will be looked at seriously. Wink OK

'Difficult' is more fun, eh. Cool

Your review will be read by me more than a couple of times too Wink and I especially like your idea of giving it a couple of days to see another perspective.

Cheers
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Ron
[Thu Apr 19, 2007 3:38 pm]
Yeehaa Magic this, in its original form, was published today in the Peterborough Evening Telegraph, yahoo.

The sad fact is, though, that the Editor was probably thinking of 300 dead from yesterday in Iraq.

Sad Sad Sad
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KRC168
[Thu Apr 19, 2007 7:08 pm]
Cool OK Wink
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ab honestō virum bonum nihil dēterret

poēta nāscitur, nōn fit, poscimur
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Ron
[Thu Apr 19, 2007 7:14 pm]
I personally prefer the edited version, but I take little satisfaction from either today after what happened in Baghdad yesterday. Sad

Thanks, Keith.
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