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Poetry Showcase [Metaphysical] Moderators for this section: Weaver, ochsterboxter, CadenzRime, Lingua Pura, ososment, carolynrn, Inker

Newton's Legacy

Outline: My first poem, written around '93. An exercise in self-questioning, I think, looking back now.
Newton's Legacy

Borne on the wind of Creation's fires, of Physics' laws or God's desires,
A disc of gas did spin and weave the Life-force.
Hydrogen matter, loose and flowing, swirled in circling clouds of billowing, blowing disunity,
Down to a destiny with order, God and Isaac Newton.
In shade eternal, with eyes paternal, the Hand Immortal touched the heart,
And in the heart the plasma pyre cried, "Praise," in glorious helium fire.
Then from the heat the seed was sprung, the Life-force moved and climbed the rung, crying:
"No more these thoughts of Will Eternal, I am your God now!"
Burning bright against the night, the ball of fire calls out its plight:
"Who will be my master now, now my secret's out?"
Men of cloth and men of atoms both cry, "I," and fight their case with bitter woe
Not caring for the others' view, now the secret's out.
But when the fire has ran its course, the embers dulled, reduced to nought,
Whose school of thought do you support to stir the Pot of Life?
Shelley
[Sat Dec 09, 2006 6:39 pm]
Thought-provoking and lyrical. I'm not sure re
Quote:
the fire has ran its course
Should that be 'run?
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Logicus tracticus
[Sat Dec 09, 2006 6:47 pm]
think run/ran is one of them like man/men tense's not fixed
after all dont say ranning but do running, he was running he is running, he has come he is coming, he will come he has come or he has run he will run not he will ran but no he did ran he did run yes, if tha makes sense,

though could be wrong,(sometimes i am other wise would be perfect)

interesting ron, or should that be ran
_________________
read once for meter, twice for rhythm
thrice for rhyme, then again for
leisure or measure of pleasure;
you: parasites of no consequence:
Larkin
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Idris
[Sat Dec 09, 2006 7:59 pm]
Hi Ron

Lovely imagery and language - especially love the swirled in circling clouds and your eternal-paternal-immortal line.

If I was being picky (switch off now if you don't want that, lol) I'd suggest you use "now" several time - in one line you even have "Who will be my master now, now my secret's out?"

I liked the internal rhyme in the first line but then they disappear for a while; maybe a bit disconcerting?

L2 "A disc of gas did spin..." is rather forced poetics and spoils the flow (for me, at least); why not simply "A disc of gas span (or is it spun?)..." ?

Fran
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Ron
[Sat Dec 09, 2006 9:08 pm]
Thanks all, yahoo Very Happy

As I said in the intro, this was my first ever poem. It just came out like that so I left it like that but I thank you all for your comments/suggestions which I will definitely dwell on but... does anyone know how to stick this in 'voice' because I managed to record it in MP3 today but don't know how to upload to MW Radio? Do I go through Alex? The reason I'm asking is because my accent on the track may explain a few of the perceived anomalies in the text.

You're all brilliant, thanks. Very Happy

Cheers
_________________
". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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Logicus tracticus
[Sat Dec 09, 2006 9:23 pm]
yup send with email including the link to poem onsite if file is to large for your email isp server you can use
http://www.yousendit.com/
to upload the file and send it that way also usefull to send to multible people,
_________________
read once for meter, twice for rhythm
thrice for rhyme, then again for
leisure or measure of pleasure;
you: parasites of no consequence:
Larkin
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Ron
[Sat Dec 09, 2006 9:26 pm]
Very Happy Wink OK
_________________
". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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Loobyloo
[Sun Dec 10, 2006 7:55 pm]
Great stuff, Ron. I found it interesting and different. Flow was good, and it wasn't short on the old thinking matter - the eternal question eh?

looby Very Happy
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Ron
[Mon Dec 11, 2006 12:05 pm]
Cheers Looby Very Happy

Glad you liked this Cool especially as it was my first tentative step into the genre. One never knows unless one tries, eh.

Hope to have the little 'speaker' icon attached to it soon for MW Radio. Yahoo. Cool Laughing

Cheers
_________________
". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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Ron
[Tue Dec 12, 2006 5:48 pm]
Laughing Never 'throw away pen' Laughing

You know how much I treasure your wonderful poetry/prose/comments. Your 'pen' is very skilful and, to be honest, not sure if I've written anything to top my first. Wink

Cheers Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
_________________
". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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James
[Wed Feb 28, 2007 8:35 am]
Heya Ron, just found this and just heard you!
Hehe, didn't expect you to sound like that, but you have a great voice for radio!

And I also like the poem, much to think on in it. Great for your first ever.
See you in a flash ;)
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Ron
[Wed Feb 28, 2007 11:29 am]
Cheers James Very Happy

I think Steve Wright's job's safe for now. Laughing

Science v Religion is an interesting debate, and more and more scientists are seeing 'intelligent design' but haven't got a clue how to put God on a blackboard. Laughing

Cheers
_________________
". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles
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bulldozer
[Tue Nov 13, 2007 1:57 pm]
Hi, bro

good poem. Smile

nice one. Wink

danny Smile Star
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