Carbon Life

Dan dee Lion · [Wed Nov 08, 2006 9:15 pm]

Could you tell me why you posted this poem BLUE, please?

Also, why not seperate it into seperate stanzas? I have my opinions of this piece, which I won't air through fear of some curious play-ground witch-hunt, but it would certainly be a much easier read set-out something like this:

Carbon atom everywhere.
In your blood and in your hair.
In the ground and in the air.
Making Life not laying bare.

Stardust atom's shimmering sheen
forms a planet warm and green
to hold a life of calm serene
that Man destroys by being mean.

Burning coal and felling trees
upsets a balanced life of ease
and causes Man to cough and sneeze
and die from painful skin disease.

CO2 and the Ozone Hole
may fry us all before we're old
and take away the winter cold
as global warming takes a hold.

A chemical soup in a prehistoric sea
created Man in infancy,
then evolution charged a fee
for placing us at the top of the tree.

But who will pay the price for life
when a cheating hand can bypass strife
and who will care when the last oak leaf
is consumed by a fire of false grief?

On Easter Island Man did learn
that without a forest there's no place to turn
and all that remains is to sit and yearn
for a beautiful world deliberately burnt.

Regards,

Dan.

Ron · [Thu Nov 09, 2006 11:28 am]

Cheers Dan,

And thanks for the verse arrangement. Wink

I like blue and readers have told me its softer on the eyes. All of my rhyming prose can be laid out traditionally, but my writing goal is to write a book that rhymes from cover to cover - prose poetry is a genre - and a lot of my poems laid out like that have appealed to people who do not normally read poetry.

You may be interested in this, which I also have in verse form. Wink

The Glass Tarantula

Don't understand why you feel like you can't comment to me? Confused

I take reviews seriously when the review is a serious one.

Cheers

_________________
". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles

Dan dee Lion · [Thu Nov 09, 2006 9:05 pm]

Okay, believe it or not I rarely ever give a review that isn't serious, well not to someone I think requires/would like a serious review.

Never mind any qualms I have about the content - it may appear a little sanctimonious to some - it's your attention (or lack of attention) to meter that worries me. If I can demonstrate:

Carbon atom everywhere.
In your blood and in your hair.
In the ground and in the air.
Making Life not laying bare.

First stanza reads fine, it reads;

tum-ti tum-ti tum-ti-tum. (if you read everywhere as
tum-ti tum-ti tum-ti-tum. ev'rywhere, losing a syllable -
tum-ti tum-ti tum-ti-tum. s'okay, it's how it's pronounced)
tum-ti tum-ti tum-ti-tum.

See, the first stanza is absolutely fine, this is quite often the way in rhyming poetry, that the first verse (ironically the first verse is usually where you can get away with the odd imperfection) appears as a moment of inspiration, quite perfect in its form. The meter is then lost in trying to drag the poem out, trying to reach a conclusion within the confines of the rhyme. Here you've used seven syllable lines and they've undoubtably worked, setting up a jaunty rythm for the piece...then:

Stardust atom's shimmering sheen.(shimmering is a syllable heavy
forms a planet warm and green. - don't think you'd get away
to hold a life of calm serene. with shimm'ring)
that Man destroys by being mean. (same with serene - s'rene)

Burning coal and felling trees.
upsets a balanced life of ease. ('using' upsets, you've
and causes Man to cough and sneeze. disrupted the flow - going
and die from painful skin disease. ti-tum rather than tum-ti)

CO2 and the Ozone Hole.
may fry us all before we're old.
and take away the winter cold.
as global warming takes a hold.

A chemical soup in a prehistoric sea. (this line is just far too
created Man in infancy. long - twelve syllables as
then evolution charged a fee. opposed to seven)
for placing us at the top of the tree.

But who will pay the price for life.
when a cheating hand can bypass strife.
and who will care when the last oak leaf.
is consumed by a fire of false grief?.

On Easter Island Man did learn.
that without a forest there's no place to turn.
and all that remains is to sit and yearn.
for a beautiful world deliberately burnt.

'On Easter Island Man did learn' is a common mistake, you've altered the syntax of the sentence to make it fit the rhyme, it just makes it feel clumsy and nothing like natural speech - you wouldn't actually say 'On Easter Island Man did learn' would you?

Look, I love rhyming poetry, but if it isn't done right it can make me cringe. This doesn't make me cringe - in the first verse you've used a natural flow, and I bet it feels the most free of all the verses to you too.

I'm not being patronising, but I'd suggest James Fenton's 'History of English Verse', you'll read all about Spondees and Trochees and iambs. It all sounds la-di-da and pretentious but it sure improves your 'Rhyming Prose'.

Regards,

dan.

Ron · [Fri Nov 10, 2006 11:39 am]

Thanks Dan, Very Happy

Spot-on crit, right on the money, much appreciated. Wink

When I write, I don't even syllable count - I set up the beat in the first sentence and then just allow a stream of consciousness to flow, not stopping to wonder if the words are correct or if syllables are correct, because I write with recital in mind and when speaking, especially with a North East accent like mine, what looks like too many syllables in print can be compressed to fit the beat when reciting aloud - but I take your point about the mechanics of the structure and thank you truly for taking the time to point out the 'correct and traditional' way to form verses. And, no, you were not being 'patronising' you were trying your best to be helpful, so thanks for that too. Very Happy

All the very best,

Cheers

Ron
_________________
". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles

watch-this-space · [Fri Nov 10, 2006 11:20 pm]

Polished perfect, i just love these issue based poems that speak out about the state of affairs.

Keep up the words of reality.

Thanks for a fab read.
_________________
Just keep looking.

Ron · [Sat Nov 11, 2006 10:42 am]

Hi w-t-s, nice of you to drop by again. Very Happy

And thanks for saying it shone, that means a lot to me. Very Happy

_________________
". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles

strayshift · [Sun Nov 12, 2006 10:35 pm]

Dare I drop in and suggest you mess it all up again? I had a whole hat full of ideas to extend lines, play with assonance and alliteration, oh and generally go off at a spurious (and possobly irrelevant) tangent!
I suppose I reacted to the same things as Dan but in a very different way - feeling even more anarchic than usual tonight...
G.(The words 'rage for order' burning in my psyche...)

Ron · [Mon Nov 13, 2006 4:21 pm]

Go for it, G Cool

say owt ya like to me, we is mates. Cool

How would you have worded it?

Cheers, man. Very Happy

_________________
". . . and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles

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