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Poetry Showcase [Other] Moderators for this section: Weaver, ochsterboxter, CadenzRime, Lingua Pura, ososment, carolynrn, Inker

Vanity, vanity

Outline: Another possible sonnet?
We make such little shadows on the earth
But try so very hard to leave our mark.
We light our votive candles in the dark
And hope their light makes others see our worth.

We try in every way we can to matter,
To be the friend of everyone we see
As if once we’re alone we ceased to be.
So endlessly we sing and dance and chatter.

Ah! Then we see the nature of the curse,
That what we’re doing matters not at all;
A monkey painting sunflowers on a wall,
Pall-bearers playing hopscotch by a hearse.

So all is vanity – a fleeting thing -
And all alone and silently we sing.
Roy
[Sat May 06, 2006 5:23 pm]
Beautiful sonnet, Anony, but so wistfully sad.

Very, very moving.
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Roy

www.royeveritt.com
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vickala
[Sun May 07, 2006 2:41 am]
We do try to leave our mark, your words are true, and honest, this feels like it is written from the heart, it is touching.

The reviewer would appreciate your comments on: I took my daughter to the beach
_________________
It's not what you own in life that's important, it's who you help that counts.
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ASmallNumberOfMonkeys
[Sun May 07, 2006 10:21 am]
This is very good, it reads very naturally with a good rhythm and interesting rhyme. You have got a good subject and have treated it in a thoughtful sensitive way. It is quite sad to think we’re all just building castles in the sand, but even so I’d rather build than buy them. This is a great read with a lot of soul in it.

Mark
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Anonymouse
[Sun May 07, 2006 1:11 pm]
Thanks, Roy, Vickala and Mark for dropping by and leaving lovely comments. They are very encouraging - and should cheer me up!!
_________________
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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mad lemur
[Sun May 07, 2006 11:14 pm]
Hi Anonymouse,

A good subject - how we want to be remembered. And then the realisation that really, it's only important to us. How vain... Laughing As Roy commented, wistfully sad. *sigh*

I'm sticking my boot in again here.

Technically speaking a true sonnet has the rhyme scheme:

A
B
A
B

C
D
C
D

E
F
E
F

G
G

Another couple of things to mull over is word repetition - light, perhaps substitute glow for the second.

This stanza, perhaps:

Ah! Then we see the nature of the curse,
That what we’re doing affects not one jot.
Pall-bearers playing hopscotch by a hearse,
A monkey painting sunflowers dot-by-dot.

brings it into the normal rhyme pattern and removes the repetition of matter.

It's a worthy work and with a little tweaking will be wonderful.

Hazel
x
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outofthisearth
[Mon May 08, 2006 12:42 pm]
All great poems have GG in them!
_________________
A poet’s man knows a poet’s truth
‘Tis only in aged years he finds the education
To complement the courage of his youth
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Anonymouse
[Tue May 09, 2006 7:17 pm]
As in
Quote:
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!"?
Sheep Well, here's the nearest thing I could find! Laughing

_________________
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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Cul-De-Sac
[Wed May 10, 2006 6:06 am]
Hello Anony I see that ML has her Doc Martins on so I will just gently tip toe by in my rather tasty pink ugg boots(tough aussie pink thankyou very much).
It is a rather wistful piece but not mauldlin at all and their is a gentleness at its core that does you proud. I'm with Mark though and I build them in sand, but the trick is to mix the sand with concrete...then they stay around for a long time.

Cheers Cul.
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Oedipus liked his eyes runny...
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outofthisearth
[Wed May 10, 2006 8:05 am]
It was a tongue in cheek reference to Golden Girl..what ever happen to her?

Kev
_________________
A poet’s man knows a poet’s truth
‘Tis only in aged years he finds the education
To complement the courage of his youth
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Logicus tracticus
[Wed May 10, 2006 8:36 pm]
re tongue in cheek perhaps instead, of
Quote:
All great poems have GG in them!
Grate-full poms have had logi in them Embarassed whilst i'm on a roll Wink Lemur a lot of things with a little tweaking are wonderfull and more likly to stand out proud.
speaking of tweaks
Pall-bearers playing hopscotch unrehearsed ,gets rid of the by enjoyed it
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read once for meter, twice for rhythm
thrice for rhyme, then again for
leisure or measure of pleasure;
you: parasites of no consequence:
Larkin
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Anonymouse
[Wed May 10, 2006 8:47 pm]
I like the play on words, Logi!
_________________
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep!"
WS
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mad lemur
[Wed May 10, 2006 10:47 pm]
I quite often wear Doc Martin's after taking Bob Martins while watching house martins fly from the nest having passed the test in a hairy chest vest.

But my boots aren't steel capped, as anony knows.

Cheer up

Tweaking usually works wonders, especially on the earlobe of a cheekster.


ml
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